S2 Ep 1: Little Queen

The Green Horizon

Season 2

Little Queen

VRAXIA LE THOR, ACOLYTE CHARITY

[Knock on door. No Background noise]

Vraxia Le Thor (VLT): Come.

[Door opens]

Acolyte Charity (AC): I'm sorry for the intrusion Coryphaeus-

[VLT interrupts]

VLT: If you're sorry then why interrupt me Acolyte Charity? The hour is late, and I am quite busy totting up our daily exports.

AC: I'm sorry Coryphaeus, but I bring news...news of great importance to our organisation.

VLT: Well Acolyte, you have my attention. Now...speak.

AC: There are reports coming in, from Salirus. It's the Gracia Mal, it's been destroyed by some unknown assailant.

VLT: And what of King?

AC: They found him, or rather what's left of him...floating amongst the debris. He's dead Coryphaeus.

VLT: Well...this is welcome news indeed! Pass me over that bottle of Euthenian Scotch if you'll be so kind.

AC: Coryphaeus?

VLT: Oh Charity, you bring me such joy...Just for this moment let us drop our titles. My treat to you for being such a good little messenger.

AC: Okay, [Hesitantly] Miss Le Thor-

[VLT interrupts]

VLT: Vraxia. Call me Vraxia. It's okay dear Charity. Just this once...I won't bite.

AC: Yes miss- [Self-correction] Yes...Vraxia. May I ask...why are you so joyous? Was he not a key part of our operation?

VLT: Of our operation? No Charity he was not. He's been a key part of Lord Sterling's for quite some time however. In fact I would go so far as to say Leopold King was his biggest asset. The Lord of Freemarket will be scrambling to maintain his supply of human cattle, and as ever we will be happy to sustain him...But at a higher cost. Supply and demand Charity is a beautiful thing.

AC: Yes Vraxia. Here is your Scotch. May I have a glass? It is a celebration after all!

VLT: Acolyte you grow bold.

AC: Yes Coryphaeus, sorry Coryphaeus.

VLT: Leave me, I have much planning to do.

AC: Yes Coryphaeus.

VLT: Actually, on second thought stay. Assume the position...I feel a punishment is in order.

AC: Oh please Coryphaeus not again. The welts have only gone down-

[VLT interrupts]

VLT: Silence Acolyte. Disrobe at once!

AC: I knew I should have sent Acolyte Patience to tell you.

[Whiskey Bottle being uncorked]

VLT: The King is dead.

[Sound of whip cracking]

VLT: Long live the Queen.

[INTRO]

SONYA, JILLY, BERNARD, PETER, REDBEKKA

[Low engine hum]

Sonya Halley (S): Okay guys, thanks for making it to the staff meeting-

[RR Interrupts]

RedBekka Roy (RR): The Billionth staff meeting.

Peter Savage (P): Oh come on now a billion staff meetings? That's [laughs] that's ridiculous...A million maybe.

Jilly Whelan (J): Actually we've had 27 meetings since Sonya took over as Captain.

RR: She's only been captain for two weeks!

S: In Fairness though, we have had a lot happen.

P: You mean like how I found that Jellybean under the coffee counter? Man, what a Birthday.

Bernard Dooley (B): No Peter, she's talking about Mortlock, and my imprisonment, and the bombing, and the Rising Sun blowing up, and Sianna. Then we we all nearly enslaved or killed by Joe, who turned out to be notorious Lyca Pirate Leopold King.

S: Then we killed him, and all his crew. Then Gino left...that's what I've been talking about Peter.

RR: Who's Gino?

J: Ah Becks don't be silly you remember Gino love.

RR: Nope.

J: Black hair, smelled like cigarettes-

[Interrupting]

B: Your Brother.

J: That too!

S: Twin Brother.

J: Yep!

B: Younger by five minutes.

J: Lads, have ye'e been reading my Memoirs?

RR: I don't remember a Gino, I remember a Greg though. Wasn't it Greg who abandoned us after we all almost died to go and drink himself to death?

S: Well we're not saying Greg wasn't a complete knob.

P: Well now I'm sad.

J: Sonya what's this meeting about anyway?

S: I honestly can't remember at this point.

RR: Alright good meeting guys, see you for the next one in like...5 minutes.

P: Now I'm sadder. I got sad thinking about Gino, then I realized I was sad and remembered that Dr. Florence was the one who told me it was okay to be sad...then I remembered she's dead, now I'm double sad. To heck with waiting, I'm having that Jellybean now.

B: Wait you haven't eaten it yet?

P: No I was saving it for a special occasion.

B: Like your Birthday?

P: It's here in my pocket [Rummaging] Look!

J: That's a funny looking Jellybean.

S: That's not a Jellybean Peter.

B: What is it?

J: Becks why are you smirking?

RR: Awh guys he almost ate it!

S: Ate what?

RR: Ah screw it you ruined it. It's a laxative!

B: RedBekka!

RR: What? It's funny! I didn't even know you found one Peter! I was gonna slip them into the Perculator for all you guys to drink! Damn, now I need to come up with a new prank!

S: Well I'm glad you didn't! There's only one feckin' toilet!

RR: [Laughs] I know that's the best part!

J: Peter what are you doing?!

P: What? It's like caramel right?

S: What is?!

P: The thing, starts with L.

B: Laxative.

P: Bingo buddy.

RR: Oh my god Peter I can't believe you ate it! Where's my Geocaller I gotta record this!

P: Becks, you should probably get your money back because that tasted gross.

S: Where did you even get them RedBekka?

RR: At Jesters Jokes on Hybrax. I got them after our last job. Well when I say got them-

[Interrupting]

S: Don't say it-

[Interrupting]

RR: I stole them, and a talking fish. He was meant to tell jokes but for some reason he just screams racial slurs at me.

S: What kind of feckin' world are we living in when you can literally buy diarrhea inducing tablets at a joke shop!

P: Oh boy is that what they do? Good prank Becks. I was wondering why I was feeling dizzy...and weak...and my head is killing me.

S: Peter Laxatives shouldn't do that.

P: Boy my heart is running fast. Like really fast, anybody else getting that?

B: Getting what Peter?

P: What? Ooooh boy I'm...I feel giddy! What? Where's my paintbrush? Mom?

S: RedBekka those weren't Laxatives! What did you give Peter?

RR: I stole a packet of Laxatives I swear!

[A loud Thunk sound as Peter goes unconscious, hitting his head off of the kitchen table]

J: Peter?

....

GINO, BARMAN, ANGELO WHIN

[Long sniffing sound. Gino lets out a loud moan. The scene is set in an Illegal casino or 'Card House' on the Moon of Alchemilia. The background is your typical mix of murmering, laughing, glasses clinking etc.]

Gino Whelan (G): Ah feck yes! I love you Crush, you're my best friend! Where's barman? I need more drinkies. Barman!

Barman (B): Yes sir?

G: Drinkies!

B: Right away sir. The same again?

G: Yep! Vodka with a Red wine mixer.

B: Excellent sir. How are we finding the product?

G: The Crush? Deadly lad, absolutely feckin' Class.

B: Good to hear. Another line then?

G: Sher why not? I'm on holidays like! See, this is why I love illegal card houses. No hiding in the toilet snorting off the cistern, no being told to leave when you're completely twisted. I can just...be me.

B: Indeed sir.

[Sound of drink being poured and mixed. Sound of crush powder being diced and lined. Sound of Gino snorting the powder]

G: Oh yes, this is the life.

B: 7 credits sir.

G: Yep, bit steep but sher... [Coins rattling] Oh feck, I'm...I'm down to my last few coins.

B: Might I suggest a game of cards sir? I've seen men come here in rags and leave in suits.

G: Well, I've been here 2 weeks now and I've won enough to keep me going. Why stop now?

B: Excellent sir. Now I must attend the other patrons. Have a good day.

G: I've been having a good two weeks lad, why would I stop now?

Angelo Whin (A): Excuse me, do you mind if I sit here?

G: It's a free moon boy, sit where you want.

A: Thank you. my name's Angelo, Angelo Whin.

G: Gino.

A: Is that short for anything?

G: [laughs] Yeah Ginopher.

A: What brings you to Alchemilia Ginopher?

G: Ah I'm just...having a bit of a break ya'no? Bitta me time.

A: I understand. I'm taking a bit of a break myself. I'm a captain you see, some stuff happened and...I just needed to get away for a little while. I'll catch up with them soon though.

G: Yeah that's pretty much what happened to me funnily enough. Although my plans don't involve catching up with them.

A: What is your plan Gino?

G: I'm going to sit here, destroy my body with drink and drugs and die happy. That Angelo, is my plan.

A: Sounds like the plan for somebody who has nothing left.

G: Bingo. See the thing is Angelo, we're all going to die. You'd know, you're a Captain. If I don't die here, I die in space. There are plenty of horrible ways to go in that black empty void. I don't plan on experiencing any of them. I'm going to die here, preferably in one of the suites with a lady of leisure who probably robs me as soon as I go cold.

A: Well it would seem that space has recently become less dangerous as of late...what with the destruction of the Gracia Mal and Leopold King.

G: Yeah well that fucker had it coming.

A: Indeed. It's all the talk among Alchemelia, if I were to meet the person responsible for his demise, I'd surely buy them a drink.

G: I wouldn't waste your credits lad, probably some dickhead who got lucky.

A: Luck alone did not take down the last of the Three Headed Demon, the Pride of the Lyca Wolves. No, whoever did this deserves the highest honours.

G: Then go find the fecker, and tell him that yourself. As for me, I've the rest of my earnings to piss away.

A: Well it seems like you've got the remainder of your life figured out. Don't let me distract you.

G: Good man I'll be seeing you...or if all goes to plan I won't be! [Drunken laugh}

A: No, I'm sure i'll see you again.

G: Eh okay, I'm not but that's grand. See you later Albert...Anthony...

A: Angelo. Goodbye Gino, and good luck.

G: I've not exactly been blessed with much luck lately, maybe I'm overdue a bit.

.....

PETER, SONYA, BERNARD, JILLY

(Back on the Green Horizon, Peter sits in bed. He is hooked up to and I.V. line, which spirals its way into a can of energy drink)

[Low Engine Hum]

P: Oooh...what...where am I?

S: It's okay Peter. You're in bed. You've been a little bit...poisoned. But you're okay now.

P: Poisoned? Did I sleepwalk and drink the dishsoap again?

S: No Peter. Do you remember our meeting today? Do you remember the Jellybean?

P: Oooh yeah that was gross. Wait, what am I hooked up to?

S: Peter, that wasn't a Jellybean. It was a cyanide capsule.

P: Oh...did you keep the receipt?

S: It doesn't matter Peter. What does matter is you're alive.

[Footsteps approaching]

B: Knock knock. How are we feeling Peter?

P: Oh hey Berny. I feel okay, actually I feel pretty energetic!

B: Yeah that would be what you're hooked up to.

S: That's one of Bernard's cans of Tropic Storm Energy drink. Flat obviously, wouldn't want fizzy bubbles giving you an embolism!

B: Luckily for you Peter, Sonya here studied poisons as part of her medical training in Cadet school. She figured out it was Cyanide posioning straight away.

S: Vitamin B12 can help lessen the effects of Cyanide, most energy drinks are full of it! Honestly though, it wouldn't of done much. The capsule you took was expired...which is incredibly lucky.

B: You're also 6 foot 4 and built like a brick shithouse so your body would be better able to resist it.

P: Ooh B you tryna butter me up?

S: For you to not be dead, or have brain damage is miraculous. To think that RedBekka was going to put that in the Perculator-

P: Where is Becks?

S: I sent her to her room. She's...grounded.

P: Really?

S: I didn't know what else to do! What's more surprising is she listened to me. I think she's really shook up over this. I told her she could come out when you wake up.

P: Okay well, will you tell her I'm not mad? I know she didn't mean it. She just wanted to give me diarrhea which is pretty funny!

S: Okay well, we're going to let you rest up Peter. We'll come back to check up on you in a bit okay?

P: Okay. Um, can one of you refill my IV bag? I've never had Tropic Storm before it's really good!

B: Sorry buddy, I only had the one! Try and get some sleep.

P: I'm getting so many ideas! Cauliflower Ears! Ears of Corn! Black eyed peas! Head of lettuce! How did I not think of that one before?!

S: Okay bye Peter!

[door slams shut]

B: Oh jesus christ.

S: We need to talk.

B: I need a coffee.

S: Kitchen?

B: Kitchen.

....

(Jilly standing by the fridge in the Canteen (Kitchen). She is making a cup of tea and talking to Frank, who is sitting on the table.)

[sound of spoon stirring in teacup]

J: D'ya think he's okay?

[pause]

J: I'd say he'll be okay. Sonya said so, and she's very brainy.

[pause]

J: No Frank, I'd be just as worried if it was anybody else.

[pause]

J: Yes Frank I know we kissed.

[pause]

J: No Frank, he hasn't said anything. God Frank, d'ya ever shut up?

[two sets of approaching footsteps]

S: Jilly, who're you talking to?

J: Frank! Well he's doing all the talking if you know what I mean.

S: I really don't Jilly.

B: Sonya what do you want to talk about?

S: [sighs] We need him back don't we?

B: Yeah, we do.

S: I mean, it's not like we haven't done well since I took over as captain.

B: No, we've gotten some work. You've done very well to be honest.

S: I have, I know I have...but it's not me.

B: It's them.

S: Oh lord yes. They're wild. They are wild children.

J: Who?

S: Ye'e!

J: Why are you including me?

B: Jilly, come on.

J: What?

S: Jill I don't know if it's because Gino left but you've been really difficult to manage since I became captain.

B: You're acting out.

J: What? No I am not!

S: We're outnumbered Bernard. 3 to 2...Despite Gino being the giant manchild that he is, he did corral them.

J: I am starting to get really offended by this lads. Frank is too!

B: He's what?

J: Getting offended!

B: Jesus Christ.

S: Okay Jilly, I will stop treating you like a child-

[Interrupting]

J: Thank you!

S: Not done. I will stop treating you like a child, if you swear down, on the good Nanny that you were not planning on pranking me sometime this week?

B: Yeah, ye've all gone mad on these pranks.

S: They're acting out. That's what my psychiatrist said.

B: You see a psychiatrist?

S: Every two weeks. I saw him last week on Penthus.

B: Two weeks? Bit much no?

S: What? That's a perfectly normal space of time between Psychiatric visits.

B: Yeah if you're court mandated to do so...or you're an anal retentive compulsive nit-picker.

S: Hey!

B: Sorry! It's just...the meetings, the daily toilet inspections, the 'no food or drink outside the canteen' rule...it's too much Sonya! You're a great Captain in fairness, and I'm sure if you took command of a Government ship it would be the most efficient in the Galaxy but...the Green Horizon is-

J: It's just over the top Sonya!

S: Okay firstly the 'no food outside the canteen' rule is the reason we no longer have rats!

B: Okay that's fair.

S: Secondly, there's no need for a mutiny, I'm already in favour of bringing back Gino. Thirdly, and most importantly-

[Interrupting]

J: You're sorry? Okay me and Frank accept your apology!

S: No! You never answered the question! Did you plan on pranking me?!

J: I invoke my right not to answer.

S: Well, according to the Astral Travel Doctrine, the Captain of a Vessel under the licensing of the Order of Humanity can arrest crew members who refuse to answer questions relevent to the safety of the ship.

J: Of course you'd know that.

S: And since me being pranked, from what happened to Peter could very well endanger us all, I'm invoking my right as Captain... answer me Jilly or I'll lock you in the cargo hold.

J: Bernard?

B: Hey don't look at me.

S: Jilly?

J: Fine. Yes I was going to prank you.

S: What was the prank Jilly?

[Silence as Jilly refuses to speak]

S: Jilly!

J: Spiders!

S: What?!

B: Oh Jesus Christ.

J: I was going to dump spiders into your spacesuit for your next repair job.

S: But Jilly, spiders are my biggest fear! I...[speaks quieter] I told you that in confidence.

J: I know! It would've been hilarious!

B: Couldn't that have caused Sonya to panic due to her arachnophobia and take off her helmet in the vacuum of space? Probably killing her?

J: What? No she...[long pause]

B: Didn't think of that did you?

S: What kind of spiders were they Jilly?

J: Relax I'm not that stupid! They're venemous not poisonous so as long as you didn't eat them-

[interrupting]

S: Other way around Jill.

J: Oh.

B: Jilly Whelan. The mastermind behind the destruction of the Gracia Mal. The women who outsmarted the most feared pirate of our time Leopold King...nearly kills her captain because she confused venemous and poisonous...sounds about right.

J: Sonya...I'm sorry. I think you're right, I think we all got a bit carried away with the pranks since Gino left. Also for me there's the whole Peter thing...

B: Yeah about that...it's been 2 weeks now since the kiss. Has he said anything about it?

J: No! He just sort of acts like it didn't happen. Everytime I try to talk to him about it he gets all sweaty and talks about his favourite teacups from the canteen. [Imitates Peter] "Oh hey Jilly! Boy I sure do love the 'Space-time for Tea' mug! And don't get me started on the 'Perc-u-now' cups we got from Parthuns!"

B: That's ridiculous.

J: I know right?

S: 'Captain Chino' is my favourite.

S: Oh yeah [laughs] that one's pretty funny.

J: Maybe it was a mistake kissing him.

B: He seemed pretty happy at the time Jill.

J: Then what's the problem?

S: Maybe Gino leaving did something to him? Peter is probably the most fecked up individual I have ever come accross.

J: Yeah maybe. Now with him almost dying...I thought he was gone and I'd lost the chance to...

S: Have something?

J: Yeah!

B: Well he's still alive Jilly. Go talk to him.

J: No, not right now. Right now... I need to talk to my brother.

B: You're right. You're his sister, if he'll listen to anyone it's you.

S: How? We know he's on Alchemilia but it's a pretty big moon, how do we find him?

J: Not a problem. About a year ago Gino went off on a massive drinking session and didn't come back for 2 weeks.

B: Oh yeah, we thought he'd been kidnapped by Lyca Pirates.

J: Yup! When he did eventually stumble back to the Horizon I made sure that we'd never lose him again. I put a tracking device in his coffee, it's still embedded in his small intestine!

B: What kind of tracking device Jilly?

J: The S2S Deeptracker. One of the best!

B: Isn't that radioactive?

J: Is it? I didn't really read the packaging. Only how to turn it on...

B: Yeah it's pretty radioactive. Funnily enough we'll need some heavy strength laxatives for when he comes back.

S: I'll add it to the shopping list.

B: Right so, let's go see where the eejit is hiding.

[Part 2]

DEALER, GINO, JILLY, NYK MENDAS

[The scene is set in an Illegal casino or 'Card House' on the Moon of Alchemilia. The background is your typical mix of murmering, laughing, glasses clinking etc.]

Dealer (D): Bust! House wins again.

G: [Mixture of laughing and crying] Okay Gino, it's okay. You're just having a bit of a bad run is all! You're pretty drunk and crushing out of your mind. Your face is numb and you haven't slept in a week...but you can turn this around!

D: Sir, shall I deal you in again?

G: Yes, but this time I'm all in baby!

A (Angelo Whin): How are we fairing in the games my friend?

G: Shit, where'd you come from?

A: I've been sitting here all along, did you not see me?

G: No? I must be really fucked.

D: The Gentleman has a King...

G: Yes! C'mon another face card!

D: And a Queen.

G: You little beauty! I'll stick please.

D: House has...a Jack.

G: Feck.

D: A...hold on. A Joker card, I thought we took all those out.

G: That's just un...unprofessional! I demand a free drink for your unprofessionalism!

D: One moment sir, I'll just reshuffle the deck.

A: Gino, if you lose all your credits...what's your next step?

G: Angelo, I'm not going to lose okay? I've got two face cards! Yes if the Dealer hits a face card I lose but what are the odds-

[Interrupting]

D: Ace.

G: Oh, he didn't hit a face card...he hit an Ace...which is even better.

D: House wins. If the gentleman has no more credits...I would kindly ask him to leave the table.

G: Okay okay, I'm going... I'm going. To where?

J: Outta money bro?

G: Jilly?

J: Yep, you're still alive anyway. Although you look terrible.

G: Thanks.

J: Waste all your money on cards again I see?

G: And drink, and drugs. It's not wasted when it's fun!

J: Well you should stick to Poker bro, you're good at that! You'll never win at this, especially when the Dealer's a cheat.

D: Excuse me?

J: Gino's too fecked to notice but I saw. You wait for sad drunk junkies like my brother to go all in, no offense-

[Interrupting]

G: None taken.

J: Then you deal and see how the cards are laid out. You deal your first card, slip in the Joker which is obviously up your sleeve, reshuffle and put the card you need at the top. It's horrible and brilliant at the same time.

G: How do you know Jill?

J: I've dated enough Card Dealers in my time. They told me all the tricks of the trade.

G: You're a genius! Where's Angelo? I want him to meet you.

J: Who?

D: Miss I assure everything here at Dominus House of leisure is scam-free. I need to speak to the floor manager about this, one moment.

J: We expect compensation for this!

G: Jilly, why did you come here?

J: To bring you back you eejit. The Stealin' Whelans need to ride again!

G: But Jill the reasons I left are still the same! I needed to go, I'll get you killed and you're all that's left. Sonya and Bernard deserve a Captain that'll pull them forward not drag them back. I want Becks to have a happy and safe life not a shitty one that puts her in danger constantly! As for Peter...I will kill him...And I'm too gorgeous for prison.

J: Gino...our crew...it's like a crisp sambo.... Cheese and Onion obviously.

G: Obviously.

J: The ship is the bread...the crew is the crisps. You Gino...you are the butter. You hold it all together. Without you...the crisps fall out, the sambo's dry and the delicious buttery oniony cheesy taste is gone.

G: Thanks now I really want a crisp sambo.

J: If you come back I'll make you one.

G: I'm not coming back Jill!

J: Well then we're all fucked because we're all killing each other up there. Without you, Sonya can't relax she's driving us nuts! Bernard won't leave the engine room half the time because of the Prank Wars!

G: Prank Wars?

J: Yes Gino, the Prank Wars. Me, Peter and Becks are acting out because you left and have been pranking each other non-stop since you left. Becks nearly killed Peter accidentally with Cyanide-

[Interrupting]

G: Jesus Christ!

J: And I nearly killed Sonya with venemous Spiders!

G: Ah, you mean poisonous.

J: No! Venemous is when it bites you and kills you, poisonous is when you bite it, and it kills you.

G: Oh, really?

J: If you don't come back, we'll either all die horribly...or people will leave. Becks'll go back to selling herself on Penthus. Peter'll go back to being miserable on some smuggler ship. As for Sonya, she can't work anywhere else. We need you Gino.

Nyk Mendas (N): Good evening folks. My name is the Nyk Mendas, I am the floor manager here at Dominus House of Leisure. I understand you have a complaint?

J: Yeah we do! Your dealer tricked my brother here out of his money!

N: Miss we take accusations of cheating here very seriously. I assure you our intent is for you, the customer, to have the most relaxing and care-free time here. Please, as a token of our dilligence and care of your situation...please accept these free drinks and a key card for one of our better suites.

G: Oh wow! Thank you Mr. Mendas!

N: Now, we are currently going through videographical evidence. Would you mind retiring to said suite until we get this resolved? A complimentary meal will be sent up to you of course.

J: Well that's good...for starters! But I expect a full refund once this is all cleared up!

N: Of course. Now if you'll just follow me to the elevator.

[Sound of walking through a busy Casino]

G: These drinks are lovely!

J: Yeah, there's something in this that I can't put my finger on...is it cinnamon?

G: I think it is!

[Elevator ding]

N: This is your stop. I hope you've enjoyed your time at Domino's House of Leisure.

G: But we're not going anywhere?

N: Oh but you are...The house always wins.

[Elevator dings, doors shut]

J: [Sighs] He's fecked us hasn't he?

G: Yep.

J: Spiked the free drinks?

G: Yep.

J: Bollocks. I knew it wasn't cinnamon.

[Sound of Two bodies hitting the floor]

.....

PETER, REDBEKKA, BERNARD

[Low Engine Hum]

[Knocking]

P: Hello?

RR: hi Peter.

P: Hi Becks. What's that you got there?

RR: It's hot chocolate. I made it for you.

P: Ooooh well I'm not really-

[Interrupting]

RR: It's not poison.

P: Oh alright then!

RR: Here. [Peter slurps loudly] Careful it's-

[Interrupting]

P: Ow!

RR: Hot...yeah.

P: I'll just blow on it. It's delicious actually!

[Blows loudly]

RR: Peter I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I had no idea I swear! I just wanted you to get the shits.

[slurps]

RR: Do you forgive me?

P: Of course Becks. Like I told the guys...I thought it was funny!

RR: They're all pretty mad at me.

P: They'll get over it. If there's one thing I know about Irish people is that they do not hold grudges.

RR: What about the English?

P: Oh yeah, forgot about them.

RR: [Sighs] Why are you so nice to me Peter?

P: Because....you're part of the crew!

RR: I think you're the only one who still wants me as part of the crew.

P: Oh Becks relax! I was talking to Sonya and Bernard about it and they didn't seem mad.

RR: Has Jilly visited you yet?

P: Nooo....well she's busy you know, trying to find Greg.

RR: Have you talked about what happened yet?

P: No, well...she's tried to. But I'm...not good at that. I can't express myself unless it's in the form of an anthropomorphic vegetable.

RR: So, are you just going to ignore her forever?

P: No silly billy. I'm working on something...a way to express myself as myself.

RR: Is it Jilly as a vegetable?

P: Ha, no...[quietly] darn it.

RR: Peter just go talk to her about it!

P: I can't Becks. I tried once but then I couldn't remember how to breathe. I almost died...luckily I was able to go to my happy place...novelty coffee mugs. I talked and talked about them until she walked away.

RR: Peter, Jilly isn't going to wait around forever.

P: Don't worry Becks...I'm almost finished.

[slurps]

P: This cocoa is so good! It tastes just like moms!

RR: Whats's she like, Your mom?

P: Oh she's great. She always tells it like it is you know? 'Oh Peter...you're such a dissapointment. Oh Peter...you'll never be an artist.' Oh Peter...you're a talentless buffoon who's only skill is killing people.'

RR: She sounds...great.

P: Yeah, she's a sculptor...very talented. She's pretty famous on Hera Prime... My dad's a painter...and my sisters are novelists.

RR: What are they like?

P: Oh they're great too! My dad's a portrait artist so all the big Heranian politicians go to him to be painted. My sisters co-write space faring epics together. Have you read their work on 'The War of the Wolves'?

RR: I can't say that I have, Peter.

P: It's pretty good, although I do think they deviate from the source material. I'm pretty sure Dread-Captain Mobius Rell never actually had a romantic relationship with Vicca the Vixen, but I guess they needed a love story to appeal to all you gals!

RR: I'll pick it up next time I'm in Hybrax. [Pause] So, are they all tall and blonde with blue eyes like you?

P: No actually! They're all 5 foot nothin', black hair, green eyes. I'm the only one who never needed glasses too! I'm the blonde sheep!

RR: Uh Peter...I'm pretty sure that's not possible.

P: What? Sure it is silly, I'm proof!

RR: Peter...I think you're adopted.

P: Don't be ridiculous! If I were adopted I'd know!

RR: Well...can you think of anything your parents ever said or did? Did you ever overhear them talking or...did they accidentally let something slip that didn't make sense at the time?

P: Not off the top of my head. [Slurps] Well, I did think it was wierd that Gammy Savage would refer to me as the 'found one'. Then when I joined the Terran army my dad said I wasn't his son. And when I was a kid I do remember my mom sitting me down and telling me I was left on a Spaceship but...I thought she was kidding.

RR: Oh Peter...

P: Oh golly, I'm adopted! Do my parents know? Oh, of coarse they do! What about my sisters? What about my dog?! Oh Beans my little buddy, what would you think of me?!

RR: Peter, you're still you! You're still Peter Savage! Vegetable artist and occasional gunslinger!

P: I'm not Peter anymore Becks. I'm nobody, I'm...I'm trash...dumped on the street.

RR: Peter, look at me! Okay, take it from another piece of trash that was dumped on the side of the street...your real family may not care about you...but you have a new family that does. So take solace in that, and whatever you do...don't let go of it.

P: What about you? Where's your family?

RR: If your talkin' bout Dad? He scrammed before I was kicking. Mommy dearest well...she sold me into the slave trade before my fifth birthday for an ounce of Crush. If you wanna know where my family is? Well they're here...on this ship....and I nearly killed them all with a Percolator full of Cyanide.

P: Oh wow Becks...I've never heard you talk like that before.

RR: Well I did poison you and then made you realise you were adopted so...I kinda owe you. But if you tell any of the others that I was...emotional...I swear Peter Savage the next capsule will not be expired!

P: Got it.

[Footsteps approaching]

B: Peter, where are your guns?

P: Well my Seether Rifle and grenades are in my closet, I keep Maria under my pillow! What's up? Are the rats back?

B: Somethings gone wrong on Alchemelia, the lads have gone on an unscheduled off-world trip. Sonya and I think someone's taken them.

RR: Maybe they just went off partying?

B: No, something's wrong. Jilly said before she left that she wanted him back as soon as possible, plus the Scuttlebug is still in the Moonbay on Alchemelia.

P: Okay I'm up! [Groans]

RR: Peter you can't!

P: Bernie grab Doris...that's what I call my Rifle. Becks, gather the grenades! I got Maria!

[Gun cocks]

P: Let's save those Stealin' Whelans!

.....

ANGELO WHIN, GINO, JILLY, KYK MENDAS, SONYA

[Sound of a low engine hum, but not the same engine as the Green Horizon. Gino and Jilly are sat in the cargo hold, tied together back to back]

Angelo Whin (A): Hey! Hey Gino...wake up.

G: Ah...what? What's...Angelo?

A: Yes, hello my friend.

G: What are you doing in my luxury hotel? Wait, where am I? I don't remember much after the elevator doors closed...Oh wait...now it's coming back.

A: Where are you Gino?

G: Feck, my head. [silence as Gino listens to the engine] I'm in a ship. Judging by the engine, a small enough one.

A: You said you were done with the Space faring game. Too many awful ways to die you said. Well, look where you are...you cannot escape the void.

G: Jesus Christ. You are messing me up right now can you cool it? Actually, could you help me get out of these ropes?

A: I cannot my friend. You cannot will it of me.

G: Stop talking weird and help me! Hang on...Jilly! Jilly!

J: [Groggily] Frank will you ever shut up?

G: Jilly will you tell Angelo here to untie us!

J: Who?

G: Angelo! Look he's right...where'd he go?

J: Gino where are we?

G: Angelo? Angelo! I'd like to be freed please.

[Door hatch opens. One set of footsteps on metal grate]

Nyk Mendas (N): Ah you're awake. Good, are we enjoying ourselves thusfar?

G: This fucking prick. Hey, shithead...let us go.

N: Why would I drug you, kidnap you and fly you out to the middle of nowhere in space just to let you go? Mr. Whelan...you know what this is...and where you're going.

J: Lemme guess...Out the airlock? How original. Get new material lad.

N: If it's good enough for Lord Sterlings' Lyca Ascension, it's good enough for me.

G: They didn't really force Inquisitorial Officers out the airlock during the War of the Wolves you know? That was just that stupid book trying to ham it up. They mostly flayed them- oh god why did I say that?

N: No I'm not really in the mood to peel flesh from bone. A quick decompression and out you go...quick and painless...well for me. Nobody will find you in the vast nothingness of space and I go back to running a successful casino and bedding supermodels.

J: Brag.

G: C'mon Mr. Mendas...don't be the Archtypical villian. Can't we talk it out?

N: No, I'm through with talking. I hope you've enjoyed your time at Dominus House of Leisure. Please fill out a scoring card on your way out the airlock. [laughs]

J: If you think you're getting anything over a 7 out of 10 lad you're fucking mistaken.

G: I don't get it though? Why go through all this trouble for two nobodies who copped a card trick? Surely if you just broke our thumbs or hands or legs...this seems a bit extreme...even for a crime syndicate.

N: It does...doesn't it? Oh, I suppose I owe you an answer since it'll be the last thing you hear before your eardrums burst from the pressure collapse. We have a VIP coming...somebody very big in the Slaver trade. The recent death of the Lunatic King has left a rather large hole in the human trafficking business, and this particular person wishes to fill it. She wants to view our Casino as a potential holding ground for slaves before the Moonbay ships them off to Freemarket.

J: She? It's a woman?

N: Yes Ms. Whelan. Women can be monsters too it seems.

G: Yeah Jilly don't be sexist.

J: Who is she?

N: In the off-chance that corpses can speak, I shan't say any more...except this. She is as smart as she is wicked. She is powerful, wealthy and devious beyond measure.

[Silence]

N: Okay fine...it's Vraxia Le Thor.

G: Holy shite.

J: Who?

G: You know yer wan? She's the Leader of the Pylorian Order of Children. They run all those Orphanages and Industrial Schools.

J: Oh yeah, she's like the Head Nun or something?

N: The Coryphaeus.

J: More like Cunty-fayus.

G: That's fucking typical isn't it? We pay taxes so they get to run their Orphanages and schools...all the while making a fuckin' mint out of them. They take them through the front door and sell' em out the back!

J: You don't pay taxes Gino.

G: Ye'e know what I mean.

N: I don't either. You're right... they're a scam. As the great Singer Phoebe Aoide once told me at a charity gala-

[Interrupting]

G: You're an awful brag do you know that?

J: He's some man to drop a name too isn't he?

N: Excuse me?

G: "Oh I sleep with Supermodels, I know this person, and this person". Give it a rest boy.

J: You couldn't wait to give away the masterplan either like. What if we escape? You're fucked then.

N: Well you're not going to escape. You're alone, tied up, in the middle of space.

[Radio Static]

Sonya Halley: Transport ship The Pheme, this is acting Captain Sonya Halley of the Green Horizon. We have reason to believe you are holding our Captain and Navigational officer captive. You're ship is unarmed and far below our Maximum Thrust capabilities, so unless you want to experience the pleasure of a two-foot gatlin laser shoved up your arses, I suggest you release our crew immediately. Halley out."

G: (Exhuberant) Uh oh Nyk.

J: Oh my god Gino, look at his face.

G: Bet you didn't expect that dickface.

J: He's going to cry Gino!

G: You know, it's one thing to brag about all your dirty little secrets, but it's another to head out into space with risky cargo in a ship that doesn't even have a gun. Like I know you were trying to be discreet but-

[Interrupting]

J: It's just stupid.

G: Exactly!

J: You'd better respond to Sonya lad because she's a tough bitch. She won't even let us eat food outside the canteen!

G: Serious?

J: Yes Gino. No rats is a small consolation to not being able to eat my Ham toastie in bed like a little Queen. Come back.

N: She's going to kill me.

G: Shut up arseface this isn't about you! [sighs] Fine, I'll come back...I can't get away from ye'e anyway.

J: Wahey! The Stealin' Whelans ride again! Hey prick, before you start vomitting over there you'd better answer Sonya and untie us pronto!

N: I'm ruined.

......

Jilly and Gino board the Green Horizon. ALL CAST are there to meet them.

[Low engine hum, sound of depressurisation, door whooshes open]

J: Look who I found!

Everyone: Wahey!

G: Yeah alright lads relax...no loud noises please my head is hopping.

RR: Welcome back Greg. I'm somewhat glad you're not a space popcicle.

G: I'm glad you're glad...somewhat.

P: Hey Gino man welcome back! Crazy thing happened...I almost died!

RR: Yeah I may have poisoned him accidentally as a prank.

G: Okay sweeping Captain declaration...Pranks are hereby banned.

RR: I agree.

S: Welcome back Gino, place wasn't the same without you.

G: Well I'm sure you've been an able replacement in my stead! Oh, another sweeping Captain declaration! Food and drink outside the canteen is hereby reinstated!

P: Oh sweet! I'm gonna eat so many crackers in the shower!

S: Oh god crackers are a 10 on the crumb scale. Well, it was nice not having rats those last few weeks.

B: Welcome back Gino, glad you're still breathing.

G: Yeah well I nearly wasn't. How the feck did ye'e find me by the way?

B: For that, you'll have to ask your sister.

G: Jill?

J: Eh well, before you give out, remember it's the reason we found you.

G: Oh god, what have you done to me?

J: Nothing major...I just planted a radioactive tracking device in your small intestine that may or may not have killed all your sperm!

G: What? Is that why all my hair is falling out?

J: Sorry!

G: I thought I was going bald!

B: We can remove it, we'll just need you to drink this coffee.

G: I Don't know now, after Angelo turned out to be working for Mendas...i have trust issues.

J: Yeah who's this Angelo fella? You kept mentioning him but I've never seen him.

G: Angelo Whin. I met him at Dominus and I thought he was a sound chap till I woke up on the Pheme and he was there looking at me, mocking me.

P: Is there a 'H' in his name?

G: What?

P: Does his name have a 'H' in it?

G: Yeah he pronounced 'Whin' like 'Whip' so I'd say so.

P: Huh that's funny. His name is an anagram for Gino Whelan.

G: What?

S: Shite it is.

RR: Ha! Greg is losing his marbles.

G: Nah he was real! No way my subconscious is that smart.

B: Gino I'm assuming you've consumed a hefty amount of Crush.

G: That is...an accurate statement.

B: You're got the Bends my friend. Shaking, sweating, hallucinations....you've overdosed on Corzaline.

G: Oh...I should probably lie down.

S: That would be best.

G: Goodnight lads. See ye'e in about 20 hours.

J: It's like he never left. Hey look! One-eyed Johnson is back!

S: Are you serious? He's back five minutes and already we have rats again.

J: Look at his little nose! I'm going to get him some cheese.

B: Well, at least we won't be bored Sonya.

S: That Bernard, is something we will never be.

P: Oh hey guys I think I'm adopted.

[silence]

B: I'm just...Sonya can you take this one please?

S: No bother Bernard. Come on Peter, let's go have a coffee.

J: I'll come too. Peter, why don't you tell me your favourite mugs again on the way?

P: Oh okay Jilly. Well obviously you all know my feelings on the classic "Mondays amiright?" Mugs...derivative. [voice fading away] I mean...porcelain is a great material, but I am partial to a plastic cup. [fading more] I hate worrying bout spillage...do you guys worry about that? I once stood on glass and it took me 5 weeks to pull out all the shards...[barely audible] Do you guys think I should start painting mugs? because I do! Hey...do you think we could get some more of that Tropic Storm at Parthuns? It was amazing! [Voices gone]

[Outro]

Bonus scene

Nyk Mendas sits nervously in his office, awaiting the arrival of Vraxia le Thor and her entourage. The door opens, and in walks the Corypheus with two of her trusted associates Sister Modesty and Bombus.

Nyk Mendas (N): Ah, Ms. Le Thor, we meet at last.

Vraxia Le Thor (VLT): Mr. Mendas.

N: Please, sit. I've uncorked a vintage from the Moon of Bounty which has quite an exquisite boquet.

VLT: I'd rather stand Mr. Mendas. Our journey aboard the Peacekeeper was a long one, and I am eager to begin strategy.

N: This is why they call you Corypheus, an instatiable desire to succeed. One which, as head of Dominus House of Leisure, I understand.

VLT: [flatly] Indeed. [breath] Mr. Mendas may I introduce you to my entourage. Sister Charity, Head Acolyte and Squadron Captain of my Hellion Fighter Fleet.

N: A pleasure Sister.

Sister Modesty (SM): I require a full breakdown of your Starship capabilities immediately Mr. Mendas.

N: Ah, right to business. Vraxia has chosen well.

S: You will call her Corypheus.

N: [stammers] Yes, of course.

VLT: And my head of personal security, Bombus.

N: A pleasure sir.

Bombus (Bmb): [grunts]

VLT: Bombus isn't one for conversation, Mr. Mendas. Not since a gang of Ajaxian smugglers cut out his tongue as a child.

N: Oh that's...positively ghastly.

Bmb: [grunts]

VLT: Oh I don't think so. As chief of security, the involuntary compulsion to keep ones mouth shut can work to ones advantage.

Bmb: [grunts in agreement]

VLT: Mr. Mendas you relayed to my communications officer aboard the Peacekeeper that you had a message of great urgency to deliver to me. She said you seemed rather...what's the word?

SM: Perturbed.

VLT: Yes, that's it.

N: Aha, yes...well... I was a bit panicked at the time but...I've calmed down.

VLT: I am so very happy for you. What's the message?

N: It's nothing really, only a small 'hiccup' in our plans...but trust me, it's nothing to worry about.

VLT: Well, let me be the judge of that.

N: I need not even bother to inform you of this teensy discrepancy Corypheus but...In the interest of transparency on both sides...someone in our organisation may have let it slip that you [stammers] are involved with Lord Sterling's slave trade.

VLT: To whom did they let it slip?

N: To the crew of a small cargo ship by the name of the Green Horizon. They're nobodies Vraxia...Ms. Le Thor...Corypheus! Their captain was nothing more than a drunken gambler...they've not even the influence to make a ripple in a pond.

VLT: You told them didn't you? I heard you were a bit of a braggard.

N: [sighs] Yes, I...I am so very sorry Corypheus.

VLT: How long ago did this happen?

N: No more than 3 hours ago.

VLT: Not nearly enough time for them to mount an Interstellar escape. Sister Modesty, send word to our people at the Prometheon Wormhole Starbase, if a ship by the name of the Green Horizon attempts to pass, they are to halt it immediately.

SM: Yes Corypheus.

VLT: Bombus, dispatch some agents into Penthus, Salirus, as well as the Tantam Void...see what they can find.

Bmb: [Grunts in agreement]

N: Corypheus...

VLT: Mr. Mendas...if you think this is the first time I have had to suppress rumours of my involvement in organised human trafficking, you are sorely mistaken. This cargo ship is nothing to us...just a small inconvenience soon to be rectified. They will not make it out of Prometheus alive, I will not let it happen.

N: [Breathes out in relief]

VLT: Relax Mr. Mendas. It's going to be okay. Bombus?

Bombus grabs Nyk Mendas by the jaw

N: What-what's happening?

VLT: If we're to be successful Nyk, we must ensure we curb that flapping tongue of yours.

N: No! No!

SM: What is it they say Mr. Mendas...Loose lips sink ships?

VLT: It'll take time getting used to but...Bombus managed, so will you.

Bombus cuts out Nyk Mendas' tongue.

N: [screams in agony]

[END]

Created by Paul Walsh

Cast:

Kieran Walsh as Gino Whelan

Caoimhe Walsh as Sonya Halley

Amy Jackman as Jilly Whelan

Steven Stubbs as Bernard Dooley

Amy Rothwell as RedBekka Roy

Paul Walsh as Peter Savage

with

David Orión Pena as Angelo Whin

Claire Cullen Delsol as Sister Modesty

and

Amy Orr as Vraxia Le Thor

Attribution:

CosmicD- Engine_Hum_New.wav

Avakas- Lying on Bed

Inspectorj- Door, Front, Opening.wav

MAJ: 061785

-Glass hitting table.aif

ddunkley- footsteps on metal.wav

Qubodup- Sci fi Laboratory Ambience

Jzazfurek- Ferret

JakLocke- Pouring a shot

Sauron974- Cloth Flaps

Music:

Intro- Augmentations by Kai Engel

Outro- Rednecks with White Faces by Cauhaus

Casino scenes- Lobo Loco

Find us on:

Patreon

https://www.patreon.com/TheGreenHorizon

Twitter

https://twitter.com/greenhorizonpod

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Podchaser

om/podcasts/the-green-horizon-: 119348

Thanks for listening!