Halloween Special: Handsome and Vettel

Scene: Inside Peters bedroom -Night

Peter is moving around the bed struggling to sleep

P: Oh it’s no good! Ok Peter, think. Thinking is your best quality! What can you do to tire yourself out? I could go for a walk around the ship! No, I’m grounded to my room for spilling syrup on the steering wheel. I know! I’ll go through my back catalogue of all my art! So, we’ve got, Torte-Lean-Me, Pretty Swede Abs, Corn on the Bod. It’s not working! Boy I wish Gino were here. Watching him sleep makes me sleepy! That’s it! Gino!

Peter opens a drawer and shuffles around it. We hear the sound of rustling, paint brushes falling, a squeaky toy going off.

P: Aha! Gotcha!

Peter starts punching numbers on his geocaller

P: Hello? Who is this? Galaxy Burger? Gasp Gino?! You have a new job?! Hello? Hellloooooo? Oh man let me try this the old-fashioned way!

Peter punches numbers again

P: G-I-N-O-P-H-E-R and dial!

Dial tone

Gino answers

G: Fuck off

Gino hangs up

P: Darn Galaxy Burger again

Peter dials again – Single dial tone

G: I don’t know who this is, or where you got my number, but I have a strict no human interaction policy right now, so unless you want to have a conversation with the void of space, after I send this geocaller out the airlock…..

P: Cap? It’s me, Peter.

G:……Please leave your message after the beep.

P: Oh cap, you’re such a goof sometimes

G; Screaming BEEEEEEEEEP!!!

P: Cap I can’t sleep.

G: What exactly am I supposed to do about it?

P: Well, you know how I watch you sleep sometimes?

G:………Excuse me?

P: Oh, so you don’t know.

G: How in the fuck would I know if you were watching me? I was asleep. Forget that, WHY WERE YOU WATCHING ME SLEEP?!

P: Well sometimes I get scared, or I can’t sleep. Watching you sleep, makes me sleepy.

G: So that time I found you on my bedroom floor, and you said you’d just gotten drunk and went into the wrong room, that was just you watching me sleep wasn’t it? You know I actually gained a tiny amount of respect for you that morning. I thought ‘hey great, the lanky painter finally put a few bottles away and ended up in the wrong room’, but now you’ve taken that grain of respect, and you’ve thrown it back onto the beach that is my distain for you, so it’s gone now Peter. You know you really….

P: Will you read me a bedtime story?

G:What?

P: A bedtime story. When I was a boy, when I couldn’t sleep, Gammy Savage used to read to me, and I’d be out like a light!

G: You have got to be joking me. There is no way in hell I am reading you a bedtime story. I have a lot on my mind right now, and the very last thing I want to do is to sit here and read you Red Riding Hood or Goodnight Moon.

P: Oh golly gosh no! Those stories are for babies. I need something with a little more substance, a little more complex and depth in the story.

G: Bernards got a great book on how to disassemble and reassemble the ships toilet. That has depth. It has a little cartoon plunger that tells you how to do it.

P: Please Gino? If I don’t go asleep right now, there’s no way I’m getting my standard 11 our sleep, and I’ll be a big ole Crankasaurus in the afternoon.

G: Ok first off, nobody should be sleeping 11 hours unless they are in a coma, or dead, which I’m 90 percent sure you are in either one of those states when you’re walking around. Secondly, you want a story? Fine. I’ll give you a story. But if you’re not asleep in five minutes then I’m out.

P: Yay! Deal!

G: Alright then, lets see. Story. Hmm. Ok This story is called Handsome and Vettel.

P: I think I’ve heard this one before.

G Shut up no you haven’t.

P: Ok Cap!

G: A long, long time ago in a forest somewhere, there were these two children, a boy, Handsome, and a girl Vettel. One day Handsome and Vettel decided to take a walk into town. As they walked….

P: Ok, I have some questions. I’ve jotted down my thoughts so far.

G: Through gritted teeth Lay the fuck down.

P: Sorry Cap.

G: Anyway, ya big freak. They took a stroll into town to see what was happening, who was hanging around, what the crack was etc. while on the way, Handsome spotted a tiny bag of Crush among the cobblestones. He could spot the stuff a mile away.

“I don’t think we should pick it up” Said Vettel “It could be a trap”

“Oh Vettel” said Handsome, “Don’t you know by now I’m the smartest young man in the galaxy and everything I do is a great idea?

Vettel knew he was right, after all, he is Handsome.

But suddenly, Handsome noticed they were being followed as they began to follow the trail of Crush bags. From behind one of the trees, stepped out this large woodsman. He was a big, stupid lookin Canadian thing, and he spoke with a stupid dull voice.

The children legged it and ran so far into the woods until they could no longer see the dopey lookin woodsman. Then, they came upon a house that was made entirely of alcohol. They couldn’t believe their eyes. Handsome was so overjoyed he could barely contain himself. Vettel was apprehensive because she was a bit of a wuss. The two ran over to the house and started taking bottles down off the house.

There was whiskey, vodka, beer and those little shot things you get in a test tube. Suddenly, an old hag looking woman came out from the house and snatched the two children inside. The kids knew they were in trouble and had to think quick. Handsome was overcome by the selection of fine wine and sweet, sweet alcohol.

Vettel had a little more restraint and decided to try and appeal to the woman’s good side.

“Please let us go” she cried. But it was no use. You know why it was no use Peter? Because she was A PURITAN!

The hag woman preached about hell fire and brimstone, temptation and the devil. However, she preached so loud, she could be heard for miles and miles.

Just when Vettel had given up hope, she realised the one thing that Handsome loved to do when full of drink. Sing loudly.

“Handsome! Handsome!” She whispered

“Incoherent drunken rambling”

“I think it’s time for a sing song!”

Handsome began to sing louder, and louder.

But the Puritan came back. She shoved a bottle of whiskey into Handsomes mouth to shut him up. She made a move for Vettel but before she could, there was a gigantic thud! The woodsman had come to save the children! He kicked in the door, and you know what he did Peter?

P: frightened What?

G: He shot her head clean off!

P: Oh wow! What a brave woodsman!

G: No, Peter, he wasn’t brave. He was incredibly stupid. Do you know why he was incredibly stupid?

P: No?

G: BECAUSE HE GOT BRAIN MATTER EVERYWHERE! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO HAVE BRAIN MATTER REMOVED?

end

Written by Kieran Walsh

Cast

Kieran Walsh as Gino Whelan

Paul Walsh as Peter Savage

Attribution:

CosmicD- Engine_Hum_New.wav

Avakas- Lying on Bed

KwahMah_02- Five_Beeps.wav