Episode 7

full
Published on:

11th May 2022

S3 Ep 6 Finale: A Percolator Full Of Cyanide

The crew of The Green Horizon are offered a chance at a new life in the final episode of season 3.

Created and Written by Paul Walsh

With

Kieran Walsh as Gino Whelan

Caoimhe Walsh as Sonya Halley

Steven Stubbs as Bernard Dooley

Amy Jackman as Jilly Whelan

Paul Walsh as Peter Savage

Amy Rothwell as RedBekka Roy

David Orion Pena as Angelo Whin

Kayla Valderas as Madame Celeste

Jack Bishop as Mortlock

Claire Cullen Delsol as Sister Modesty

&

Amy Orr as Vraxia Le Thor

Music

Sourced from Freemusicarchive.org

Augmentations by Kai Engel

Firestorm by Sputnik Booster

Countdown by Alexander Nakarada

&

Heaven is the Other Way by Big Sandy and his Fly-Rite Boys

Attributions

SFX sourced on Freesound.org:

CosmicD- Engine_Hum_New.wav

Inspectorj- Door, Front, Opening.wav

ddunkley- footsteps on metal.wav

Qubodup- Sci fi Laboratory Ambience

The Green Horizon is a Lovie Awards shortlisted sci-fi audio comedy that focuses on a na'er - do - well Irish space captain and his rag-tag crew as they traverse a war-torn Galaxy in search of fame and fortune.

Support us on Patreon! https://www.patreon.com/faustiannonsense

Follow The Green Horizon on Twitter at https://twitter.com/greenhorizonpod

on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/the.green.horizon

on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/Green.Horizon.Podcast/

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Transcript

Season 3 Episode 6

A Percolator Full Of Cyanide

INT: Inside PETER's Bedroom, JILLY knocks.

P: Yeah?

J: [Opens door] Hi Peter.

P: [Packing bags] What's up?

J: I was thinking... We're docked at the Providence for the next while. Gino is meeting with the captain and the lads are off birdwatching. Apparently this place has 'em just flying around in Hydroponics, it's been years since I've seen one in the wild. D'ya want to go watch 'em with me?

P: No thanks.

J: There's real vegetables growing aswell! Maybe you could get some inspiration.

[silence]

J: Are...Are you packing your bags?

P: Yes.

J: Planning a holiday?

P: Jilly...I'm busy...Is there anything else you want?

J: Did...Did I do something? Like...We were great before you left for The New Spokane...But since you came back you've been-

P: What?! What have I been? Different? Is that what you were gonna say?

J: Well...Yeah.

P: I'm just...Tired. Go and be with the others I'll...See you later.

J: [Upset] Okay...I'm sorry I wasted your time...Goodbye Peter.

P: Goodbye Jilly.

[DOORS CLOSE]

P: [sighs]

The computer rings out, Peter answers it.

P: Hey...Don't worry, it's a secure line. The captain doesn't know I'm talking to you. I'm ready...Once we leave The Providence...I'm gonna end this.

INTRO

GINO & MADAME CELESTE are walking the gardens of the hydroponics deck aboard The Providence. Birds chirp in the background.

G: I have to say...again, Madame Celeste...Thank you for opening up your doors to us. I know I speak for all the crew when I say we feel most welcome.

MADAME CELESTE (MC): The pleasure is ours Captain Whelan. Those Ferrets you've brought us will serve our pest control team well-

G: [Laughs] Believe me...We're happy to be rid of 'em.

MC: As for the cargo...We are most grateful for its delivery.

G: The seeds? Are they for the birds or something?

MC: No they're...For farming.

G: Oh [laughs nervously] Sorry, I haven't a green thumb between me two hands.

MC: It's quite alright.

G: I have to say this is...Quite the set-up you've got going on.

MC: The Hydroponics? Yes, we are quite proud of it.

G: I mean...You've got fields of all sort of crop growing in these fields...And animals too! I saw a feckin rabbit back there...It must paint a bit of a target on your back.

MC: You are correct Captain Whelan. Recently we've encountered a group of raiders calling themselves the 'Iron Lords' out of the Vantus Expanse. They've been tracking us from long range for some time now.

G: Oh...What are ye'e going to do about it? I know there's a Stygian Ranger Station a few light hours away...Maybe they could help?

MC: No Captain. Unfortunately it seems the colonized Galaxy has become simply too dangerous for something as bountiful as The Providence to survive in it. So we plan on leaving it, for uncharted space.

G: The Frontier?! That's why you wanted the seeds.

MC: Yes. We plan on expanding our Hydroponics...And becoming completely self-sufficient.

G: Oh my god...And we delayed you... I'm so sorry.

MC: No it's alright. You're here now...And we weren't really in the position to renegotiate.

G: Right, well...I hope it goes okay for you.

MC: Me too Captain...Me too.

[They walk in silence for a time]

G: So...A generational ship...What's that like?

MC: What do you mean captain?

G: Well...You spent your entire life on one ship...Floating around space...Doesn't that make you a bit...Antsy?

MC: No...It makes me proud. One hundred years ago my great-great Grandfather left Earth to create a new life for himself, his family and his people. He built this ship. He passed it down...Generation to Generation...Each one improving upon the last. The Celeste name has created something truly beautiful...And when I pass it down to my children...I hope it's something that makes them proud too.

G: [laughs] Well when you say it like that-

MC: You could stay, Captain.

G: What?!

MC: You and your crew. You could stay here, with us. You're a resilient crew with years of experience evading the dangers of this Galaxy under your belt. We could use your knowledge out on the Frontier.

[Radio chatter]

G: Ehh, well I don't know it's a big commitment-

MC: Excuse me Captain, I must leave you...I'm being called to Helm.

G: Oh right...Yeah, no bother.

MC: You could have a good life here...You and your crew. And, on a personal level...I wouldn't mind hearing about some of your adventures over a glass of our house wine...Think about it.

G: Yeah...I...I will...Thank you, Madame Celeste.

MC: Please...Call me Nira.

Nira walks away

G: Phew...Gino, you old charmer.

......

INT: The canteen of The Green Horizon. JILLY is sat at the table, drinking tea. SONYA, REDBEKKA & BERNARD.

B,S,R: [LAUGHING AS THEY ENTER]

S: Oh...Jilly, you're still here?

J: Yep.

B: I thought you'd be in the rose gardens with Peter by now.

J: Nope. He didn't want to go.

RR: Is that the picnic you packed?

J: Yep...Said I'd just have it here by myself since...Y'know.

S: Maybe we could join you? It's a not a picnic in a rose garden but-

J: Yeah go on...There's tea, custard creams-

RR: Say no more!

They all sit at the table

J: So...How did ye'e get on anyway.

B: Oh wonderful...You should see the fauna Jilly. Especially the birds...They've every variety of Tits there.

RR: [stifled laugh]

B: Let's see...There was a Blue Tit-

RR: [stifled laugh]

B: A Coal Tit-

RR: [louder stifled laugh]

B: A Titmouse-

RR: [Even louder stifled laugh]

B: And...Oh, I even saw a pair of Great Tits!

RR: Burts out laughing

B: Very mature.

RR: Oh come on man, you had to know what you were doing!

S: There was woodcock too.

RR: [laughs then sighs] Birds.

B: Where's Peter, Jill?

J: He's in his room...Packing.

S: Where's he going?

J: Wouldn't say...[sighs] Something happened on The New Spokane. He's a changed person...I even saw his paintbrushes in the bin.

S: Well...Peter's a pretty...complex guy. Maybe he's just working through something.

RR: Or...knowing him, it's some kind of crazy living art thing...'The Sad Man'.

J: Yeah well...Whatever it is...I hope he comes out soon. I'm not good at this...Should I go back down to him or-

B: No. Just give him time Jill. When he's ready he'll come out.

S: Like a turtle!

RR: Or a massive sh-

GINO (OVER TANNOY): All crew to the cockpit please...Sound.

S: Duty calls lads.

B: Feck, I was just about to look through this picnic basket [Gasps]...Is that a Moon of Bounty Vintage Rosé?

J: [Sighs] Take it Bernie...I'll just end up drinking it.

......

INT: The Cockpit of the Green Horizon. ALL CAST.

G: Right, we all here yeah?

RR: Peter's not here.

J: I don't think he's coming.

G: Fuck d'ya mean? I said "All Crew", is shitface suddenly not crew or something?

S: We think he's having a bit of an...Emotional moment.

G: When isn't he...[sighs] Alright, it doesn't matter anyway it's not like I'm going to take his opinion seriously [laughs]-

B: What's going on Gino?

G: Right...What would ye'e say, if I were to say...Madame Celeste offered us a place...Here.

S: What like...Live here?

G: Yeah. Live here...Work here. There's trouble brewing so, she's going offroad...Beyond the Belt.

S: Frontier Space?! That's a bit...Extreme no?

G: She seems to think it's safer than civilisation...And I'm inclined to agree. I mean...How many times have we nearly died this week?

B: Keeping the engines purring on an old Generation Ship like this does sound quite appealing.

G: Doesn't it?

J: They'll definitely need all the help they can get Navigating uncharted regions. That actually sounds class...Mapping parts of Space that's never been seen before.

G: They'll also need an ass kicking Shield Technician when they invariably run into trouble...Sonya.

S: Shield Tech eh? Wouldn't mind dusting off the old Masters. Alright, I'm in.

G: And...They have a school. Becks, you could finally have a proper education.

RR: What about my Officer training?

B: I'm sure you could moonlight...Student by day...Cadet by night.

G: Yeah we'll figure that out Becks...So what d'ya think?

P: Sorry Cap...That doesn't sound like it's something I can do.

G: Peter? How long have you been standing there?

P: Long enough...Sorry but, after this delivery I'm done.

J: What do you mean Peter?

B: Are you leaving?

P: Yeah...I uh, I need a change.

S: Peter, Jilly said-

P: It doesn't fucking matter.

[Silence]

G: Did...Did Peter just swear?

RR: Holy shit.

J: Peter-

P: Don't. Take this as my notice. I'm out.

[PETER LEAVES]

J: Peter!

S: Leave him Jilly...I don't think he wants to talk to anyone.

RR: He swore...He never swears...It's like he's...Been replaced.

B: Or got a serious personality transplant.

The crew's lines slowly become quiet and muffled...Angelo Whin (A) begins speaking in Gino's head.

J: He was completely fine until he went to The New Spokane...Suddenly he comes back and he's moody McGee.

S: Yeah like...He didn't tell us how it went with the Pawnbroker.

RR: Maybe he's having a Mid-life crisis? Wait...How old is he? Quarter-life? One-Third Life?

S: Gino? Are you even listening? Gino? Gino!

While their conversation is going on:

A: "Gino....Gino...You are in danger. You must leave Providence...She is coming. Go now."

G: We gotta go. Now!

S: What?!

G: Bernard, engines...Now!

B: But Gino, I thought we were-

G: I said now Bernard!

BERNARD LEAVES

J: Gino, what's going on?

G: No time to explain, just lay in a course.

S: Gino, is this-

G: Yes. I need you to trust me Sonya.

S: I do, you were right the last time.

G: Prep shields. Le Thor is on her way, She may already be here.

J: What?! How did she find us?!

G: It doesn't matter. Becks, begin demag with The Providence. I want off this ship ASAP.

RR: Finally, some action!

Computer beeps and Trills

J: Jilly?

J: Course plotted!

G: Sonya?

S: Shields engaged!

G: Bernard?

B: Engine ready!

G: Becks?

[DELAY]

RR: Uhh-

G: The big red button!

RR: I know! That ain't the issue!

S: What is?

RR: The Providence. It won't let us depart!

MADAME CELESTE (MS) Comes through on the monitor

MC: Captain Whelan.

G: Madame Celeste. I can only apologize for me and my crew's hasty exit but...Unfortunately something's come up and-

MC: Captain...I know about The Pylorians.

G: You've locked us here on purpose haven't you?

MC: [Solemn] Yes Gino, I have.

G: [Sighs] So...How much did she pay ye'e?

MC: It isn't like that Gino...We're under orders to hold you until she arrives. Were I to...refuse...She could take everything from us.

S: Their children. Le Thor could order them all be taken and put into their Industrial Schools.

MC: Exactly...And I can't let that happen.

G: Madame Celeste...Nira, you have to know...Whatever we're accused of...It's not true.

MC: I know...Anybody paying attention within Order controlled space knows of Vraxia Le thor and her...Business practices. I am truly sorry...I was quite looking forward to exploring space with your crew...And you, Gino.

RR: Ooooo-

Massive Crash

G: Are we being attacked?!

RR: Is it Le Thor?

S: No! It's The Providence! They're being attacked by a gang of raiders!

MC: [Desperate] The Iron Lords...They've begun their attack!

Another loud crash, thump sound

J: The Providence is losing power!

RR: We're free! We can go!

MC: Gino...Please...If you leave...You doom us all.

G: Jill...Engage boosters.

MC: Captain...Think about what you're doing!

G: I am Madame Celeste...I'm sorry. In another life...Maybe we'd be drinking that wine together.

J: Boosters ready Gino.

MC: You know I...Can't let you leave.

G: I'm counting on it....Cut transmission.

Static, end of line

G: Sonya raise shields...Becks, arm the lazer, fire at anything out there that moves!

RR: Yes!!!!

G: Jill...I want you to fly directly at the Iron Lords.

J: Gino?

G: The turrets and the raiders will be so busy shooting at each other we should be able to slip past both.

J: Should be.

RR: I don't care where we go, just give me something to shoot!

G: Bernard, on my mark...give me Max Light.

B: Standing by Gino.

G: Jilly...Engage Boosters!

Boosters hit, TGH flies from The Providence and straight at the Iron Lords.

TGH gets attacked by both sides

While this conversation is going on, the ship is rocking, shaking and generally getting battered

S: Our shields won't hold long like this Gino...We're getting pelted by both sides.

G: Yeah but they're missing more than they're hitting.

RR: Take that! And that! And this! Hahahaha!

G: I've created a monster.

J: Gino! I think it's time we maxed the fuck outta here!

G: Just hold on...

S: Shields at 50%!

J: Gino!

G: Waaait!

S: 25%!

G: Bernard! Now!

ENGINE SPOOLS

RR: I got one!

ENGINE HITS. FADE OUT.

.......

INT: The Cockpit of The Green Horizon. ALL CAST (Minus PETER)

ENGINE FADE IN

G: Report.

S: Ship's okay. Shields took a hit but I should be able to restore them pretty quick.

J: There's doesn't seem to be anybody following us...And our Lightwake stunned a few of the Iron Lords ships as we blew past 'em.

G: Good, should give The Providence a better fighting chance.

S: Hey, I know that face...There's nothing else you could've done.

G: How are you so sure?

S: Your job is to ensure the safety and well-being of your crew. Not hers.

G: You heard what she said though...Le Thor is going to fuck her over for letting us go.

J: Speaking of...How did you know Gino?

G: Ehh..

J: Okay, I didn't come down in the last shower y'know? I heard what Sonya said, about you being 'right the first time'...There's something going on here, something ye'e know that we don't.

BERNARD ENTERS

B: I'm curious too Gino...One minute you're talking about staying here permanently...Next you're saying we're in danger? Am I right in assuming this has something to do with Vraxia Le Thor?

S: She's found us.

B: Shit...I suppose we couldn't hide forever.

J: You knew Gino...Before Celeste said anthing...You Knew Le Thor found us...Now, unless you've suddenly come down with a dose of mysthicism-

RR: Excuse me...But is nobody gonna talk about how I just took down an enemy ship with a Freakin- Gatlin-Lazer!

G: [Sarcastic] Oh yay, my adolescent Junior Officer just killed a load of people...You'll excuse me for not being particularly overjoyed. [Sighs]

S: You need to tell them Gino...They deserve to know.

J: Gino...I'm your sister. I'll understand...Unless you've sunk all your money into healing crystals again...Then you're on your own buddy.

G: [sighs] Okay...Okay...So, you know Angelo?

B: Not personally.

RR: Your imaginary friend?

G: Yeah...Well...Turns out he's not so...Imaginary.

J: What are you on about?

G: He's been communicating with me...In my head.

J: [Stammers] Okay?

S: I know it sounds a bit...

J: Mad?

B: Crazy?

RR: Wack-a-doodle?

S: Yes...But, it's true. Becks, when you were kidnapped on the Winded Gypsy...Angelo was the reason we found you.

G: And back there...He told me we were in danger, and that Le Thor was coming.

J: Right...

G: I know how this sounds...But you have to believe me!

J: I...I do.

G: Really?

B: Me too.

RR: Ditto.

G: [Sighs] And ye'er not going to...throw me out the airlock or anything?

J: Hang on...

Jilly throws tea over Gino

G: Gah! Why did you throw cold tea over me?!

J: To see if you're an acting robot...Which you're not. You would've gone all...Sparky.

G: Right...Thanks? Honestly it just feels good to get it off my chest.

Jilly sidles over the Gino in an attempt to hug him

G: What...What are doing now?

J: Trying to...Hug you?

G: Uh, no you're...You're grand...Thanks though.

J: Yeah alright fuck you so.

B: You can really feel the love.

RR: Not to break up this lovefest but uh...What do we do now?

S: Yeah, I mean...Le Thor knows we're in the Void...We need a new hiding place.

COMPUTER BEEP

RR: Uh oh-

G: What is it?

RR: Dots...Three dots...And they're heading for the dot in the middle!

S: That's us.

G: Jilly...Who is it?

J: It's the Iron Lords! Three of their ships are heading straight for us!

S: Speed?

G: Yes please. I'm off the wagon.

J: They're fast. The Horizon is nippy but...They'll be on us in less than 20 minutes.

G: Bernard...I need you to make that engine give us everything it's got!

B: I'm on it Gino.

BERNARD LEAVES

G: Jill...It's time for you to do your thing...Is there anything nearby that can help?

J: No...We're in The Vantus Expanse. There's nothing...We have no way out.

G: Well figure it out! There's got to be a way!

S: Gino...

G: What?

S: You could...Ask him.

G: You mean....Angelo?

RR: He saved us before boss.

J: It's the only hope we have Gino.

G: [Sighs] You're right...Okay Angelo, you've gotten us out of sticky situations before...Time to do it again... [Concentrating] If you can hear me...Help us.

S: Anything?

G: Come on you mysterious bastard...Talk to me...Tell me what to do!

[SILENCE]

G: Nothing...[Desperate laugh] Looks like we're on our own.

B: Gino, our engines are at their Max safety limit...If we go any faster she'll start to collapse.

G: But if we don't...We'll die.

B: Maybe not...I can rig the engine like I did on The Little Egret. We escape in the shuttlebug, turning our ship into a mine for the Iron Lords to step on.

G: But that would mean...losing The Green Horizon.

S: Gino...As First Officer...It's my duty to inform you...That your responsibility lies with the crew.

J: We can get a new ship Gino...Although The Green Horizon 2 doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

RR: Nobody likes a sequel.

G: [Sighs] I always thought she'd go out in a fiery explosion...i just assumed I'd be aboard when it happened...Alright, begin preparations to-

COMPUTER BEEP

J: Oh my god! Gino...We don't need to blow her up!

G: What do you mean?

J: The Iron Lords...They just...Scattered! Were okay!

S: You don't think....

G: Angelo? Maybe! [Sighs with relief] Bernard bring down the engines to .95 Light. They backed off...We're okay.

B: We live to fight another day!

S: Jilly? Where are you going?

J: Down to have a word with an absolute eejit.

RR: The cap is right here?

G: Feckin' hilarious.

J: Sonya...Can you watch Comms?

S: Go on Jilly...Slap that Canadian back to reality.

G: Good luck sis.

[JILLY LEAVES]

RR: Can I shoot something else?

G: No!

S: No!

........

INT: PETER's bedroom. JILLY bursts in.

J: Okay Mister, you and me need a talk right now!

P: Jilly...Please, I...I don't want to talk right now.

J: Too feckin' bad. You need to explain to me right now why you've suddenly just decided that we're bloody septic or something. You left for The New Spokane and came back a different person...And I want to know why!

P: Because! I am a different person. I'm not Peter.

J: Are you...Are you saying you're...

J: An Alien?

P: A clone.

J: Wait, what?!

P: What did you say?

J: Nevermind... [sighs] 'What happened on The New Spokane?

P: [Sighs]

FLASHBACK TIME!

FELIX (F) fires his gun

F: I'm sorry Peter.

BODY HITS FLOOR

P: It's okay. Just next time...Maybe tell me you're doin' a double cross beforehand because uh...I kinda thought I was about to be dead.

F: Peter...I'm gonna undo your restraints.

P: Thanks...You tied them good too...I tried the ol' dislocating thumbs trick and I got nowhere! Good job!

Sound of ropes being undone

P: You know what Felix? I like to tie up my prisoners hands tight too...We really are brothers! Come here bro!

F: Peter wait-

P: What's wrong? Do you not like hugs? My captain hates them...But he doesn't know it's happening when he's sleeping!

F: Peter...I need you to pay attention.

P: Oh I'm great at that...Whatever you just said.

F: I need you to remember what The Liquidator said... because...I need you to kill me.

P: What?! Pfft...Good prank bro...Kill you?! My own bloody flesh?!

F: Flesh and blood?

P: That's it!

F: I'm serious Peter...Please-

P: But...No...You're...You're my brother...You're gonna come with me...To the ship...Gino most likely won't like it but we can share a bed!

F: No Peter...I am not your brother...The men we killed...Those were your brothers...I'm a monster...I need to be put down.

P: But...He made you...You...You didn't have a choice!

F: Didn't I? I saved you...I could've saved them. 3 were already dead by the time he took me but...The other 2 that I helped kill...I could've stopped it.

P: Why did you save me?

F: Because...Of what you said...Jilly...You love her.

P: Do you love her too?

F: ...No? We're not supposed to be capable of love. The others were just as cold hearted as me...They were inquisitors, jailers, bounty hunters and mercenaries...But you...You're different Peter...And you gave me hope.

P: Then...Why do you want to die?

F: I've done too much Peter...Too much to live with myself...I can't go on as this...Painted Dog...Whipped and tortured...I want it all to go away.

P: It can Felix...Just come with me.

F: No...I can't...It's too late.

P: I won't kill you.

F: You won't have a choice. Peter, before we do this...There's more I need to tell you.

P: What is it?

F: Our DNA...It's designed to be a soldier...And only a soldier.

P: Okay?

F: We can't reproduce...Peter, we're infertile.

P: Oh...

F: There's something else. The people that made us...Didn't intend for us to grow into old age...As soon as we reach 30, we're designed to...

P: Move to a retirement home?

F: No...Die. At some point after our 30th birthday...Our lives are programmed to end.

P: You're talkin' like we're robots...Come on man, there's gotta be something we can do?

F: No...It's written into our DNA...Can't undo it.

P: But...I'm 26.

F: I know...So am I.

P: Oh yeah...Clones.

F: See that gun on the table beside you?

P: I'm not gonna kill you Felix.

F: That's too bad Pete...[Unsheathes knife] This blade here is Resilium Steel...It'll cut through you like butter.

P: Don't Felix.

F: I'm going to count to 3...If you don't shoot me-

P: Please Felix-

F: I'll drive this through your heart.

P: No-

F: One-

P: Please-

F: Two-

P: Felix!

F: Three-

Peter grabs the gun and shoots.

STUNNED SILENCE

F: Thanks...Brother.

Felix falls

P: Felix? No, no, no don't go! I'm sorry! I'm sorry...Hey, hey...Oh, oh no...I...I gotta go.

Fade out while Present Peter voice fades in, we are back with The Green Horizon

P: So you see Jill...That's why I can't stay here anymore.

J: Oh my god Peter...I'm so sorry.

P: I'm not Peter Jill...I'm somethin' else. I...I...I need to go.

J: But...You can't leave! I...I get why you're so upset...And I am so sorry that this has happened to you...But you can't throw this life away...Felix saved you specifically because of it...[Realizing] You said you loved me...-

P: Jilly it's different now-

J: I love you too Peter. I've wanted to tell you since you got back from The New Spokane-

P: Jilly-

J: I've never said that before...To anyone. That has to mean something Peter...It has to!

Computer beep

J: Who's that?

P: It's nothing.

J: Someone's calling you Peter.

P: I'll call 'em back later.

J: No...You don't want me to know who's calling you.

Jilly walks over to the compuer

P: Jilly please-

Jilly answers the computer

J: Oh my god...Mortlock?!

Mortlock: "Whelan?"

J: Don't tell me Peter...Don't you dare tell me you're leaving us to go back to this scumbag!

M: "Oi! Who you calling a scumbag?"

J: I'm hanging up Morty, and you have mustard on your cheek just fyi.

M: "Fuck-"

Jilly hangs up on Mortlock

P: Jill...I can't stay here...I can't give you the life you deserve. I'm not gonna grow old with you...I can't give you kids...As for the guys, I...I don't wanna die and break their hearts.

J: So you're just going to run back to the Bonesplitter?

P: Actually it's called The Braincrusher now.

J: Peter...I don't want a long life with somebody else...I want you. As for having kids, I'm not too sure if an intergalactic cargo hauler is the best place to raise a few spratts to be honest...Plus my hands are pretty full with Francesca...-

P: She has been very bitey.

J: And if I do ever decide I want little Whelan-Savages running around...There are other options available y'know? I'm sure there are plenty of rocket-scientists out there willing to donate their sperm to our cause.

P: But Jilly...I won't live to see them grow up.

J: Says who? Felix? How d'ya know he was told the truth? Plus, if it is true...Then you'll have a better chance with us than with Mortlock. I also sneakily drew up a pretty tasty Green Horizon healthcare plan that I got Gino to sign while he was pissed drunk so that means all medical exams are free ! I'll make you a copy.

P: You'd...Really do all that for me?

J: Yes Peter...Which says alot considering we're only together a few weeks...But much like the navigational routes I plan I like to move fast without considering any of the risks!

P: That's not dangerous at all!

J: Will you stay?

P: Yeah...I'll stay.

J: C'mere and kiss me you gigiantic Vegetable painting clone!

P: Yeah! Oooh wait I didn't like that.

J: What? The clone thing?

P: Yeah it's a bit too soon.

.....

Cut to:

INT: The Cockpit of The Green Horizon.

Gino plants a bottle of Gin on the table

G: [Sighs] Sonya what time is it?

S: Gin o' clock?

G: Precisely.

S: Feck it...Pour me a glass...It's been a day.

G: I'll make it a double, because [Laughs in anger] guess who never payed us for that shipment?

S: Make it a triple.

RR: What? I can't believe that sonofabitch stiffed us! I hope her ship got blown up by those raiders.

G: Yeah well I don't...Last thing I need is another dead ship on my conscience. The Persephone was enough thank you very much.

Comms beep

G: Hey Bernard we're having a celebratory gin, want our Junior officer here to drop you down a glass?

RR: I'm totally gonna take a sip...Maybe ten.

G: No you will not.

B: Lads I'm not so sure we should be drinking until the coast it completely clear.

G: But...It is! Look at that fine coast out there! Look how clear it is!

B: I don't know...I just think it's a bit bizzare that The Iron Lords stopped chasing us...It all seemed a bit...Easy.

G: Do we not deserve a bit of easiness every now and then?

S: I wouldn't be too worried. They probably came across an Inquisitorial Patrol...Or an even more lucrative target...They were on the edge of our scan range so, we've no way of knowing what they saw.

B: Is that supposed to be comforting?

S: Yeah...No, it didn't sound great did it? But I'm sure it'll be fine...Right?

G: Yeah...I mean, [Laughs] what else could go wrong?

COMPUTER ALARM

G: I hate that sound.

RR: Uhh...Guys?

S: What do you see Becks?

RR: Dots...Lots and lots and lots of dots!

S: An entire fleet?!

G: What's their movement pattern?!

RR: Straight for us!

G: Okay, don't panic...We just have to outrun them-

S: There's...There's no time! They blindsided us! They're right on top-

BANG

The whole cockpit crew are stunned by the attack. High pitched whine as Jilly's voice fades in.

J: Gino! Gino! We're under attack!

G: Ahhh...What the- I feel like I just chewed a grenade.

S: Uhh...An electron pulse...Our command panel's fried.

P: Becks! Oh no...I'm not feeling a pulse!

G, S & J: [Gasps]

RR: [groggy] That's because my pulse isn't on my elbow Peter.

G, S & J: [Sigh with relief]

P: Oh uh...[Laughs awkwardly] I never could finish basic medical training.

B: Is everyone okay?!

G: [still groggy] Bernard...Shouldn't you be down in engines?

B: No point. Engines blown. That electro-pulse knocked out our Manifold.

S: Shit...Shields down too.

J: So's Nav...But our comms are still active.

G: Can we try and find out who's attacking?

S: There's no need...Look out the window...It's...A Pylorian Nest Ship... and a fleet of Hellions fighters.

B: [Defeated] Le Thor.

J: She's coming through on the monitor.

VRAXIA LE THOR (VLT): Ahh...Green Horizon...We meet at last.

G: Ehh...What's the craic?

VLT: What's...The craic? I...I spend weeks looking for you; Waste countless man-hours, finance massive bounties...Spark a feud with The Syndicate...And the only thing you can say to me is...What's the craic? What's the craic?!!

P: What about a howdy?

VLT: Who are you people? I know about Leopold King...I thought, well I expected...More.

G: You sound like...All my ex-girlfriends.

S: How do you know about Leopold King?

SISTER MODESTY: We decrypted The Gracia Mal's final log details.

VLT: A posthumous snitching...As it were. Oh don't worry Green Horizon. The Order couldn't afford to allow that information leak...From my understanding they wish to claim the killing of King for themselves...You have to hand it to them, the Goverment know how to maintain their illusion of power.

G: They can have his death...We don't want it. And you can have mine too...If you make me a deal? Spare my crew.

VLT: Such valiance in the face of doom. I'm sorry Captain, you all know too much.

J: At least spare RedBekka!

B: She's just a child Le Thor! Surely at least some shred of you must care about that?

VLT: I'm afraid you've confused me with somebody else. Now, I must return to Alchemilia...There's a Syndicate that needs crushing. Sister Modesty-

SM: Yes Corypheus?

VLT: Instruct all Hellion Fighters to fire on my mark.

SM: With pleasure.

G: This...This can't be it.

VLT: I must say I'm rather dissapointed in you, Green Horizon. After all the chaos you'd caused...I'd hoped you'd at least put up a fight.

RR: You're evil, do you know that?

VLT: Oh little darling don't be so naive...This isn't evil...It's business.

S: It's been a pleasure working with ye'e lads.

VLT: Five-

B: Same here...Despite all my grumbling...This has been the best time of my life.

VLT: Four-

G: Becks...

RR: Don't feel bad boss...I've lived more these last few months than I did the other 14 years of my life.

VLT: Three-

P: I love you Jilly.

J: I love you too Peter.

RR: Euch...Just kill us already!

VLT: Two-

G: Sonya...I...

S: It's okay Gino...Don't blame yourself.

G: No...I...-

VLT: One!

G: Love you.

S: What?

J, RR, B, P: What?!

VLT: What?

G: Yeah...I love you...If we're going to die I...I want you to know.

S: Gino...I...I don't know what to say?

VLT: Oh this is precious! In your final moments you tell your crewmate how you feel! Oh you've really made killing you even more satisfying.

Ship Rumble

G: That wasn't us...-

J: One of the Hellions just exploded.

S: How?!

VLT: Green Horizon! What are you doing?!

Ship Rumble

B: Another one's gone!

RR: What the fuck?

VLT: Cease...Cease fire at once Captain!

G: We're not doing anything!

Ship Rumble

P: That's three.

VLT: Sister Modesty! What's destroying our ships?

SM: I have no idea Corypheus! There's energy surges coming from all directions!

VLT: Order the Hellions to fire in all directions!

Multiple ship rumbles

J: Oh my god...All the Hellions just blew up!

S: There's just the flagship left.

VLT: Green Horizon...Call off your attack...And I guarantee I will persist you no further.

G: I'm afraid I can't Le Thor...And even if I could...I wouldn't. It seems like whatever's about to kill you...Will kill us too. But I'll rest in peace knowing that you got exactly what you deserved.

VLT: No...No! Sister Modesty...Thrusters! We must-

SIGNAL CUTS

MASSIVE SHIP RUMBLE

J: Bye bye Cuntyface.

S: There's always a bigger fish.

RR: What do we do now?

B: We wait.

P: Guys...Before whatever terrifying things comes out of the darkness to kill us...I just want to say...l'm sorry...And I unquit.

B: Glad to have you back Peter.

P: Hey Bernard you're a rocket scientist ain't you?

B: In so many words...Yes. Why?

J: He wants your sperm.

S: What?!

B: Now you tell me.

G: [mumbles] They haven't attacked yet.

S: Gino?

G: They haven't attacked us yet...Why?

J: Hey...I've managed to get our scanners up and running!

S: What are you seeing?

Scan complete

J: Debris...Lots and lots of it. Man-made and...Organic.

RR: Dunno about you guys but I ain't gunna cry over some dead Slavers.

G: So does that mean...Whatever attacked is...Gone?

J: Seems like!

G: Le Thor's dead...And we're alive?! [Laughs hysterically][Stop] Oh no...I...I said I...Loved-

J: Hang on...What the feck?

P: What's up Jill?

J: Something's emmiting a radio signal...But it's not appearing on the scanners...And at the signal's location there's...Nothing...It's like a-

RR: Ghost ship.

G: No...No, no, no not again...I thought it was just the crush!

S: Magnify it's location on Viewport Jill.

Magnification sound

S: There's definitely an object out there...Look at the debris from the Pylorian wrecks.

P: Something's pushing past it...But I can't see it.

B: I know what that is...Cloaking technology.

J: It exists?

B: In theory...Engineers have been trying to crack it for a millenia.

RR: Looks like these guys did it.

S: Gino?

G: G...G...G...Ghosts.

RR: Jeepers Cap you sure are one bad Phasmaphobe.

B: It's not a ghost...Although, I wish it were...Whatever's bearing down on us just destroyed a Pylorian Nest Fleet single handed. It's a far scarier adversary than a spectral space pirate.

COMPUTER BEEP

J: They're requesting comms...What should we do?

S: I think we should make contact.

B: If they wanted us dead we'd be dead by now.

G: [Sighs] Put 'em through...But if it's an apparition be prepared for a very high-pitched scream.

COMMS OPENS, ANGELO WHIN (A) APPEARS

G: A...A...Angelo?

A: Hello my friend.

J: Is that-

G: Yep. Someone hold me, my legs are gone to jelly.

A: I'm sorry it took me so long to come to your rescue but...I wasn't nearby when you called.

B: Stealth and Telepathy technology...Who...What...Where do you come from?

A: I'm afraid Mr. Dooley, I will not be able to answer that question...There is much that must remain in the dark between us.

S: You destroyed that entire fleet...You killed Vraxia Le Thor.

A: Yes well...Let's just say you are of a greater importance.

P: Hey uh...I'm not really getting the significance of this guy.

G: What? I just said it was Angelo?

P: Angelo who?

G: Whin.

P: Not ringing any bells cap.

G: He appeared to me at Dominus house of leisure, and the Pheme, and The Lammergeier?

J: He's Gino's imaginary friend.

G: Yes and Peter if you could hold off on annoying me right now, that'd be great. It's not every day you see your imaginary friend in real life!

P: Hey man I totally get it!

G: What? You do?

J: Peter's a clone.

B,G,RR &S: What?!!

J: We'll explain later.

A: Green Horizon...I must be brief, I do not have long. Events are in motion now that cannot, and must not be undone. The Prometheus system has become too dangerous for you...As I'm sure you've already seen for yourself. I have arranged a route to take you from this place.

G: A route? To where?

A: There is an unmapped wormhole just a few hours from this location. It will take you to the Castor-Pollux Binary system.

RR: Wait...I've heard that name before...Dannigan's Run.

G: It makes sense. The Goverment gave up on it once they mined everything valuable. Now it exists as unclaimed territory.

A: There are factions and bandits in that system that claim it as their own but...For you I'm sure it's nothing you can't handle.

J: It's better than the Inquisition breathing down our necks.

S: Yeah but...This is a big decision...Once we leave Order-Controlled space there's no guarantee we can ever return. We may never see our families again.

RR: I don't think that'll be a problem for me.

B: Or me.

J: Or us.

S: Actually...Now that I think about it...I don't think it's a problem for me either.

J: Peter?

P: [Sighs] I know I'll miss my family...But I don't think they'll miss me much...Let's do it.

A: We are sending the co-ordinates to you now. Good luck, Green Horizon.

G: Wait, wait, wait...Hold on now! Good luck? No...Fuck no. I...I have too many questions right now for you to just shag off. How are you able to contact me? Why are you contacting me?

RR: Why are you helping us in the first place?

A: Gino...Like I said to your engineer...I must keep you in the dark. But I will say...You are a part of a great plan, and for this great plan...I need you all together.

G: But why? We're nothing special.

A: Leopold King would disagree. I must go now, I have already overstepped my mark by speaking to you directly...I will not be able to provide further contact or assistance for the near future. You are on your own now Green Horizon.

G: But...What will we do?

A: Do not fret Gino...Just remember, you're exactly where you need to be.

COMMS CUT

G: Shit.

BEEP

J: They've sent us the co-ordinates.

S: So long Prometheus.

RR: [sad] Bye bye Penthus.

B: I'll make the repairs. We should be good to go within the next 2 hours.

G: Grand...Wait hold on...Peter?

P: Yeah?

G: You're a clone?!

.........

INT: The Green Horizon cockpit. Gino is sat staring into space...Sonya enters.

S: Hey...Bernard said we're going to be ready to go soon...You okay?

G: Yeah just...staring off into space...Thinking.

S: About?

G: Oh I dunno...Maybe about the fact Peter's a clone...Or that we're heading into a region of space none of us are familiar with...Or that Le Thor is actually dead, and Angelo is real...Now that I think about it...Angelo Whin, It's a fake name isn't it?

S: Either that or very coincidental.

G: And there's the manner of me well...[clears throat]

S: Proclaiming your love for me?

G: Okay well I didn't sing it from a balcony in tights holding a lute, did I?

S: No...And Gino I'm flattered...Genuinely...But-

G: But you don't feel the same way. No I know, I just...Didn't want to die without...saying my peace y'know?

S: No I'm not saying I don't. Honestly, I don't know how I feel...About anything...Everything's so crazy right now-

G: I understand.

S: [Sighs] I'm not very...Experienced at this kind of thing...Look...I'm not saying 'never'...Just not right now?

G: I'll take it...Just do me a favour?

S: Yeah?

G: I'm feeling a bit sensitive right now...So try not to take this piss out of me about it too much okay?

S: Oh I won't...But they will.

G: Oh god.

B: Gino engines are just about ready to go.

G: Okay thanks Bernard.

B: Oh and Gino?

G: Yeah bud?

B: I love you.

G: [Fake laugh] Very funny.

JILLY, REDBEKKA enter

J: Right lads...Let's get this show on the road.

RR: We were down in Peter's room printing off charts and maps for the Castor-Pollux system.

J: There's a decent few Townships and mining colonies scattered around the region. It shouldn't be too hard to hide out and pick up a few odd jobs.

G: Alright class...Good work lads.

J: Thanks Gino.

RR: Yeah, thanks boss.

J&RR: Love you.

G: Fuck sake...I'm never gonna hear the end of this!

PETER enters

P: Hey guys, boy I can't wait to hit this new system! D'ya think they have toner? Because I'm out.

G: We'll certainly have a look Peter.

P: Thanks Gino...Boy I do love you.

G: Ah for fuck...Seriously lads getting Peter in on it?

J: No we genuinely didn't involve Peter in our joke.

G: Oh so...That was...From the heart?

P: Sure was buddy!

G: I don't know how I feel about it.

S: Get a room lads.

G: Right well...All hands to stations lads. When we hit Castor-Pollux there's no guarantee where we'll be entering from so...I'll need everyone ready for a fight just in case.

S: I have shields.

J: I've got Nav.

P: I've got Maria!

RR: And I've got the motherfucking Gatlin Lazer!

G: Okay Bernard...We're ready...Let's go.

B: Let's do it lads...Adventure awaits!

ENGINE SPOOLS UP

G: Maximum light!

THE ENGINES FIRES AND CONTINUES UNINTERRUPTED AS THE SOUNDS OF THE COCKPIT SLOWLY FADE AWAY...THEN, THE ENGINE STOPS.

END.

SEASON 3 END.

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About the Podcast

The Green Horizon
Lovie Awards shortlisted Irish Sci-Fi Audio Comedy
Lovie Awards shortlisted sci-fi audio comedy that focuses on a na'er - do - well Irish space captain and his rag-tag crew as they traverse a war-torn Galaxy in search of fame and fortune.

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