S2 Ep 3: Lost The Plot

Season 2 Episode 3

Lost the Plot

J: Gino! Gino c'mere!

G: Jilly, can't you tell I'm moping. Leave me to my mope.

J: Seriously, you're going to love this.

G: Love it more than drifting through the Tantam Void with no money and down to our last tin of beans? I doubt it.

J: Look! I used one of Bernards dodgy Boxes. I hooked up the computer with free Network access.

G: Jilly,are you telling me we have telly?

J: Yes I am Gino. Over 200 channels!

G: Oh yes! I am going to binge on so much shit. Give me the remote.

[Gino flicks through the stations]

G: Let's see...[flick] Nothing, [flick] shit, [flick] show about making moonshine, [flick] shopping channel, [flick] another show about making moonshine, what the fuck? Jilly, this is local Network only!

J: Yeah?

G: Voider stations! There's going to be nothing but crap! [flick]

J: Oooh Liberty News!

G: No! You are not sticking on the news. You remember mam and dad used to leave this on non-stop for the whole day? Melt your feckin' head.

[flick]

J: Smaction T.V? Let's give this a look.

G: Hang on there's an add coming up.

Narrator: Coming this Spring to Smaction T.V., Season 14 of the Long-running hit show, Inspector When. This Season, our time travelling detective must face his arch-nemesis, Starquake.

Starquake: Do you know what time it is Inspector?

Inspector When: Half past seven by the looks of it.

Starquake: No...it's time to die.

Narrator: With only his female companion, Penny Whistle, to aid him...can Inspector When stop Starquake, and end the Chrono Rebellion once and for all?

Penny Whistle: Where are we Inspector?

Inspector When: The question isn't where Ms. Whistle...it's-

Penny Whistle: When?

Inspector When: Yes when, that's my line, I was going to say-

Narrator: Find out this Spring, only on Smaction T.V., your home for action that smacks.

[Telly mutes]

J: And mute. Jesus, what a ridiculous show. You're right Gino...there's nothing on. Wait, what are you doing?

G: Trying to find Inspector When.

J: What?

G: That looked amazing! Oh, I think I just found my next bingeworthy show!

J: You're not serious?

G: Jilly clear my schedule. Let's go Inspector When, we got a Universe to save!

[Intro]

'Inspector When' is playing on the computer. Gino is watching, eating a packet of crisps. Footsteps grow louder as Sonya approches.

Inspector When (Through Tv): If we don't stop this Reality Warp, this entire sector will be swallowed by a Black Hole!

Penny Whistle: Inspector! The Orphans! We must rescue the-

[T.V. mutes]

G: Hey! Inspector When is about to face off against the Singularity!

S: Okay, I understand you're a bit down about losing the Lammergeier, but we need to plan.

G: This is the plan Sonya. We vegetate until this all blows over.

S: Okay, I don't think you realize how long we'll be here. Vraxia Le Thor isn't just going to forget about us. We may be here for months before the heat dies down. Meanwhile (snatches bag)-

G: Hey!

S: You're chowing down on the last bag of crisps.

G: They're Ready Salted, if anything I'm doing ye'e a favour.

S: We need a job Gino. There must be some work we can pick up? Or some dead Frigate with scrap to salvage?

G: I threw the word out to a few Voider contacts I have that we're looking for work. They haven't gotten back to me yet. I was also thinking about doing up an ad, but I just haven't found the inspiration yet to write the script.

S: Well can you inspire yourself quick? Because we're broke and...in need of specific items.

G: What items?

S: Never you mind.

G: Drugs?

S: No! Look Gino, you're our Captain. You guided us past Leopold King, when most would have died. You've earned our benefit of the doubt. We trust you to get us out of this. Don't let us down.

G: Okay First Officer, what do I do?

S: Well, the first thing you do...Is stop watching Inspector When.

G: Okay.

S: And secondly, dump the crisps. Ready Salted? You might as well be eating paper.

[Incoming Vessel alarm]

G: Shit, proximity alert.

S: Is that your new way of saying Incoming vessel?

G: Yeah.

[Mic feedback]

G:All crew to their stations now.

S: Wow! very formal, I'm impressed.

G: Thank you, I'm trying.

[Footsteps approaching]

J: What's happening Gino?

G: Proximity alert Jill.

[Jilly sits down at her Nav Station]

S: What are you seeing Jilly?

J: Inquisitorial Patrol.

G: Shit, what's their movement pattern?

J: Standard Vector route. They're not heading for us, but they will pass us within scan range.

S: Could they be looking for us?

G: I don't know. They might be. We can't take any risks that they are.

S: Won't tearing off make us look suspicious.

G: Not if we're Voiders. They're expected to run away. If anything, waiting around will look more suspicious.

[Communicator clicks]

G: Bernard you there?

B: Here now Gino. Engine's ready.

G: Right Jilly, let's go.

J: Where to Gino?

G: Surprise me. Bernard, give me Max Light for 5 seconds on my mark.

B: You got it Gino.

[Engines spool]

G: Hit it!

[Engine fires]

G: God I missed that.

J: The patrol is continuing it's vector. [Engine cools down] No deviation. We're okay.

G: Bernard how's our fuel looking?

B: Not Great Gino. 34% Booster and 12% Anti-Matter fuel is all that's left .

G: Feck, we won't be making many more Light Jumps if this keeps up.

J: Gino...I'm picking something up in the Long Range Scanners.

G: Is it a money tree?

J: No. It's a wreck, hang on...I'm going to bring us a bit closer.

G: Go easy on the burner.

[Booster fires]

J: Okay I can scan it properly.

[Computer beeps]

J: No way.

S: What is it?

J: It's a Mausoleum!

[RR enters]

RR: Are we at war again?

S: No, we found something.

RR: Is it an asteroid made of toilet paper? 'Cos we're out.

G: A tombship. We found a feckin' tombship.

RR: A what?

J: They're like graveyards, but on a Spaceship.

RR: That's...weird.

G: It's like a fancy space burial. They're not cheap either, Plots go for hundreds of thousands.

J: Or wealthy families go in for one and use it to bury generations of relatives.

RR: That's so...creepy.

S: I don't know. I mean, it might be nice to know all your family is out there, orbiting your solar system. Kinda beautiful if you ask me.

RR: Kinda freaky if you ask me.

J: Well, I think this one might be the kinda freaky one. It's engines are offline, no planned drift pattern. If this ship had a course, it's way off.

G: Any info about it in the Galactic Data Logs?

J: I'm checking that now.

[Computer trills]

J: Okay, it's official name is 'the Mausoleum of Jerimon'. It's a family Tombship. According to records, the Jerimon's are or were a wealthy mining family from Astorax in the Helios-Horus Binary system.

G: The same system as Volos? Where the Atlasmen vanished?

J: The very same. Apparently the whole population of Astorax was relocated after the Lightcorden of Oaken.

G: I don't get it. That system is on the other side of the Galaxy. How did it end up here?

S: And how did it end up in such a state?

J: Scans are showing hull damage from laser fire. The thrusters were damaged beyond use. There seems to be debris on the Hatch door too...possibly a ship that got blown off, leaving behind its docking Portal.

G: Did the Hull breach?

J: I don't think so.

G: Lads, this is it.

J: What is?

G: This is how we sort our financial situation.

J: What do you mean?

RR: We rob it.

G: Precisely.

J: What?!

G: Well, rob is a strong word. I would'a gone with...salvage.

J: Ah lads we can't! I'm after getting a shiver, Sonya tell them we can't go graverobbing!

S: Jilly, we're broke. we're almost out of fuel, rations, oxygen and water. I say we rob some graves.

G: Yes Sonya!

J: Oh my god, have ye'e no respect for the dead?

S: Jilly we're out of tampons! I've no respect left to give.

[Bernard enters]

B: I take it from the lack of screaming and explosions that we're good?

G: Better than good Bernard, check out on the computer what we found.

B: A Tombship? Jaysus, now that's a rare find.

J: They want to rob it Bernie.

G: Salvage, Jilly.

B: Surely there's a finders fee for her? I'd imagine the Jerimons want their dead back.

G: Oooh now there's an idea Bernie. I'd imagine mining tycoons are fierce generous with rewards!

J: I just checked there...

G: And?

J: [sighs] The Jerimon family went bust after the LightCorden. They lost all their assets on Astorax and never recovered. They were in the process of selling the ship when it...and they...vanished.

S: Okay that is weird.

J: Surely this ship has something to do with their dissapearance.

G: Maybe they went into hiding to avoid the Taxman. That's what I'd do!

B: There's no way anybody's alive on that ship. It's been floating through space, dead for 10 years.

S: I agree with Gino. Just looking at their history, they're dodgy as feck. Accusations of slavery, trafficking, mutilation. One of their sons was accused of being a serial Killer-

J: Stop! Sonya, Redbekka's here!

RR: It doesn't bother me.

J: Well it bothers me.

S: They would definitely be the type to run from their financial woes.

J: Okay, explain why the Mausoleum is all the way out here, then?

RR: Aint it obvious? It got hit by a raiding party and went through an unrecorded Wormhole.

B: That's the only logical conclusion. Well done Rebekka.

RR: You learn a thing or two from waiting on Long-Distance Cargo Haulers. Those guys got some stories.

G: A wormhole from here to Helios-Horus could be a very lucrative find for us. I'd bet someone would pay big money for easy passage through the LightCorden.

J: I don't even like looking at the ship on my scanners. Look, whatever we're doing, can we do it now?

G: Right, first things first. Jilly, can we get near to the ship?

J: Their guns seem to be offline. Hang on, I'm going to fire a round accross their bow.

[computer beep, Pew]

J: No response from their guns. Their auto-defense is down.

G: Excellent, bring her in.

B: What's the plan so?

G: The way I see it, if Peter were to access the ships data logs, as well as a sizeable amount of precious heirlooms-

J: Why are you assuming Peter will do it?

G: Well Jilly, he's not here and...well...Bags not.

B: Bags not.

S: Bags not.

RR: What's going on? What's happening? Is this another one of your weird Waterford things?

G: Just say 'Bags not', then you won't have to do it.

RR: Bags not?

G: Good job.

B: Jilly?

J: [sighs] Bags not.

G: Excellent! Peter's on so. [stammers] where is he by the way?

RR: He's in his room painting. He said he's working on something 'Top Secret'.

G: Right well, I'll go say it to him.

J: I'm going too.

G: Why?

J: So that he knows he actually has a choice in this.

G: The loser of Bagsies never gets a choice Jilly.

RR: You guys are so weird.

....

Peters Room

P: So, you're saying you want me to board a giant Space-graveyard alone, with no idea if anyone else is on board...to rob dead people?

G: Yes.

P: Sure! Sounds fun!

J: Peter now, you don't have to say yes. You can be honest if you don't want to do it.

P: No way, graverobbing's fun! I haven't done it in a while.

J: You used to be a Graverobber Peter?!

P: Among other jobs yeah.

J: That's awful!

P: It wasn't that bad, it's not like they know they're being stolen.

G: Wait, know what's being stolen?

P: Them.

J: Their valuables like?

P: No, them. The bodies.

G: Oh no.

J: Is that making you uncomfortable Gino? Because what you're doing isn't too far behind.

P: Just so we're clear you don't want the bodies, right?

G: Right.

J: What are you working on Peter?

P: Oh, it's super duper top secret so [Closes door]....I'll show you when it's finished.

G: Right well, grab your stuff and meet us in the cockpit in 5, okay?

P: No problem Cap.

[Gino walks away]

J: Peter, this is dangerous...and wrong! I really wish you'd said no.

P: Jilly...I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid.

J: What are you on about?

P: I know we're outta cash. I gotta do this.

J: [sighs] Did you really used to sell dead bodies?

P: Well, it's a bit more complicated than that. See-

J: No, no nevermind. I really don't want to know.

....

The whole crew are in the Cockpit

G: Right lads, so Sonya's been doing up a plan.

S: Okay, so...the Airlock is our only way to dock with the Mausoleum. Unfortunately, there's ship debris clogging up the Locking Mechanism. So that's the easy way out of the question.

G: So the hard way then?

B: Is the Exterior Door still operational Sonya?

S: Preliminary observations seem to indicate the door is undamaged.

B: And the interior Airlock room is-

S: Intact? Yep, looks like it. and Bernard I think you're having the same idea as me.

G: Well share with the room lads.

S: A Vaccum Jump.

J: No lads, that's lethal!

S: Not if we get the Pressure levels right.

RR: Guys, I'm lost.

J: It's a dangerous and illegal Space manouever. You put on a spacesuit, open the airlock and the vaccuum sucks you out at high speed to your target. But you need to get it just right, and there are a hundred things that could go wrong.

RR: Like what?

J: The lads might get their calculations wrong and blow too fast turning Peter into a Space Pancake. Peter might not be able to stabilize himself in time and...again, Space pancake. There's more but I don't want to keep thinking about it.

RR: Couldn't we just open the airlock slowly, leave Peter fly to the Mausoleum using his own Suits boosters?

B: Impossible. The Mausoleum is off it's axis, spinning at high speed. Even a Vaccum jump is going to be difficult.

G: Yeah, it's already going to be like shooting a fly from 10 feet away. Imagine trying to hit it with a feather.

S: This is the only way to do it with the resources available to us.

RR: I say we let Peter decide.

G: That's fair.

S: You don't have to do this Peter, I know it's risky.

J: Peter don't! We can find another way to get money.

P: [sighs] I gotta do this. Where's the Spacesuit?

G: In the corner. Just mind the wet patch...I was having some Florillian Cider the other day and got a bit lazy.

B: You're still doing that?

....

Gino, RedBekka and Jilly are in cockpit (scene location), Sonya and Peter are at the Cargo Bay (Walkie-Talkie), Bernard is in the engine room (Through radio)

G: Okay lads, here we go. Becks-

RR: I know, I know, essential personnel only.

G: You sit here beside me, you wanna learn how to fly, don't you?

RR: What? Now?

G: As good a time as any. This Manoever is tricky...we'll need all hands.

[RedBekka sits down beside Gino]

G: Jilly, how we looking?

J: We're perpendicular with the Mausoleum, two K from the hatch.

G: Okay, we'll begin our approach. Keep us stable Jill.

[Radio clack]

G: Sonya how we looking?

S: I'm inputting the decomp instructions now.

G: Peter, you okay?

P: I'm good cap.

J: Did you bring everthing I packed?

P: You mean my lunch?

J: Yes.

P: Yeah I got 'em.

G: And you've brought Maria yes?

P: Yup, and Fredriko!

G: Who?

P: A MataHari Slinger. Small caliber concealable handgun. He's a new addition to my Firearm Family.

G: And do you have the tracking device, the one that used to call my small intestine home?

P: I have that too!

G: Good. Hey, when this is all over...I think we should all watch Inspector When, it's feckin' class.

S: No thanks. From what I saw it's full of Hokey catchphrases and ridiculous sci-fi jargon.

G: Don't you dare.

B: Lads can we hurry this up? The Quantum Gyroscopics are struggling under Third Plane Pressure.

J: The engine's giving out. The Mausoleum is spinning all over the place.

G: Steady lads. Jilly you take Y-axis control... I'll take X.

[Computer beep]

G: I'll need all my focus on this. Becks, when I tell you, pull that lever.

RR: What does it do?

G: [struggling] It's a safety overide. [continue struggling] It's there to stop an accidental Space ejection.

J: [struggling] Or murder!

G:The Computer knows there's a living person in the airlock, so there needs to be two people to consent to the command. The lever needs to be pulled...when Sonya hits the eject button.

RR: The Lammergeier didn't have one.

G: I don't think the Seabrooks gave two fucks about safety!

B: Lads she can't do this much longer!

G: Right Sonya, you ready?

S: Instructions are in. Ready to hit the button.

G: Peter, you'll need to be in the skier position when the door opens.

P: But I've never skied!

J: Peter! Just imagine yourself pooing with your feet together!

S: That's it Peter!

J: Right, we're as stable as we're ever going to be!

G: Sonya, Becks...on my mark!

G: Mark!

[Loud ejection sound, Intermittent sounds of Peter screaming, radio cutting in and out & static]

J: Pulling out!

G: Can you see him?!

J: He's approaching the ship.

G: I hope Sonya's calcuations were right.

J: I think so, the hatch door is rotating into view...he's going to hit dead on!

G: Peter, on my mark hit boosters!

P: [screaming] Okay!

G: 3...2...1 Hit it!

[Muffled sound of booster over radio]

J: He's at the door!

G: Peter! Are you okay?

P: Yeah Cap...I'm good.

J: Thank Christ.

G: [Over intercom] Lads...we did it! Come up to the cockpit. This calls for a celebration. I'm bustin' out the good wine.

S: You mean the boxed one?

G: Hey, it's better than the watered-down cooking one.

P: Uhh Guys...

G: Yeah Peter?

P: What would happen if I were to say...vomit in the Spacesuit...would it cause it to malfunction?

G: Speaking from experience...no. But it's going to smell.

P: Ooh boy...it's moving South into the wet patch....they're merging.

RR: Gross.

P: I think they're friends now.

.....

G: Cheers lads!

[glasses clinking]

S: I genuinely can't believe that worked! I was certain he'd die.

B: Yeah, I thought we'd be scraping Peter off the side of the Mausoleum into rubbish bags.

P: Uhh Guys...I can hear you.

G: We know.

RR: Can I get something a little stronger than Blackcurrent juice?

G: No.

J: Lads it's fairly slack that ye're having wine now. Plus, the mission isn't even finished.

G: Ah, the hard part's over. All Feckface has to do now is rob anything clad in gold and eject himself out the Airlock. He'll float in Space for a bit and we'll pick him up...eventually.

B: Well, there's still one more hurdle to get through.

P: I...I can still hear you.

G: Shut up and tell me how you're fixed.

P: I'm good, no injury or damage.

G: No not you...the ship!

P: Oh, yeah it...it looks okay!

B: Look through the hatch door window Peter, what do you see?

P: Nothin'. It's pitch black. Hang on...I'll use my torch. [Pause] I can see into the airlock.

B: Is there anything in there that isn't nailed to the wall or floor?

RR: Why are you asking that?

B: I'm hoping the Gravity Well is still activated.

P: I can see a button or a coin or something on the floor. It ain't movin'.

B: Excellent. Peter, proceed with caution.

G: Lads I'm feckin' giddy. Think of all the mad shite that's in there waiting to be robbed by decent hard-working people like us.

RR: Yeah, screw these rich bitches.

G: Language missy.

S: Where are we going to offload the merch Gino, once we're finished?

G: I know of a Township nearby that accepts dodgy salvage without any problem. The Winded Gypsy. I've been there once or twice in my College days.

S: Oh god, I can only imagine what it's like if you recommend it.

G: They have a slogan. Come for the good time...leave because you caught a Venereal Disease off an escort named One-Eyed Noreen, and need immediate medical attention.

P: Guys...I'm inside.

J: What's it like Peter?

Cuts to: Peter in The Mausoleum of Jerimon. He stares down a cavernous hallway, illuminated only by his torch.

P: Big.

G: Anything else?

P: Dark?

G: Big and dark. Great. Fecking Shakespeare in there, you're wasted painting vegetables Peter.

P: Scanner says there's air, I'm gonna take off my helmet. [Takes off helmet]

RR: Does it smell like dead people?

P: No, it ain't that bad. Smells kinda like the junk room above the canteen.

S: Dead rats then.

P: Well, whatever it is, it's better than vomit. Oh hang on...there's a map on the wall here.

B: Peter, try and find a computer terminal. That should have the Crypt manifest on it. It'll make it easier for us to find high value graves.

J: Ugh, lads we are using up any good karma we had.

P: Will the computer still work?

B: If the Gravity Well and Life support are still functioning, that means that the Emergency Controls are in effect. There's power running so, the computers must be active.

P: Okay, let's see. 'You are here.' Well, no duh Mr. Map. Hmmm...there's a substation a few hundred meters down this Hallway. Will that do, Bernie?

B: Should work, head down to it and let us know when you're there.

P: You got it.

Cut to: The rest of the crew in the cockpit

J: Peter, please be careful.

S: It's okay Jilly. Peter can handle himself.

B: Plus, unless the Jerimon's have figured out a way to rise from the dead...he should be fine.

RR: Unless they're ghosts.

G: Don't you dare.

J: Don't mention ghosts around Gino lads...you know he's phobic.

[Gino pours more wine into his glass]

S: Are you having more wine? You know we're on mission.

G: Becks mentioned the G word, brings up trauma which I soothe with delicious alcohol.

S: What trauma? What happened?

B: Gino saw a ghost.

S: What? Where? On the ship?

B: He says he saw it on the Shuttlebug coming back from a piss-up on Perses. He was drunk, high and alone mind you so...anything he says is dubious at best.

J: Even I don't believe him, and I believe in Unicorns.

S: [laughing] what did this spooky spectre look like Gino? An old woman? An angry Pirate?

G: [annoyed] It wasn't a person, it was a-

RR: Ship.

G: [stammers] Ye-Yeah...actually.

RR: Remember when I was trying to tell that spooky story? That was it. Ghost ships. They're real.

B: C'mon Becks, don't be ridiculous.

G: No, no hang on...what's the story?

P: Guys I'm here now at the Substation.

G: Feck, right...to be continued Little Miss. Okay Peter, do you see a computer?

Cut to: Peter in the Substation. The room is dusty, with a computer terminal sitting on a table...a single neon-green underscore intermittently flashing. At the table, head slumped down on the keyboard, is a dead body.

P: Yeah, it's here. It's on. But it's uhh...occupied.

G: What?

P: There's a body here, well just bones now. There's a big ol' hole in his skull.

S: Peter, that sounds a bit...dodgy. Maybe you should come back.

P: No, I'm here now. This needs to get done.

[crashing as Peter throws the skeleton onto the floor]

P: Sorry buddy. [Peter sits] Okay, who am I looking for?

G: We're looking for any of the more wealthy Family members. The wealthiest would be the Founder, Alastor Jerimon. Find him and we're golden.

P: Okay, I'm looking at the screen. There's a little green blinking line...what do I do?

J: Try hitting enter.

P: Okay [keyboard clack] Hmmm...the screen is saying something.

G: What's it saying?

P: 'Do you come in peace, Yes or No?'...I'm gonna say Yes.

[Keyboard clack]

S: Peter, don't hit any more buttons until you tell us first okay? It could be a trap.

P: 'Do you have a ship?' Yes. [Keyboard] Sorry Sonya what? I wasn't listening.

lactic Burial providers since: 2123

P: Oh, hey there computer voice thingy. How're you doin'?

CV: Request not valid. Please input valid request.

P: Oh uh, I'm looking for Alastor Jerimon. Was hopin' you could uh, help?

CV: [computer beep] Alastor Jerimon is located in the Cockpit.

P: Oh, really? Hey guys you gettin' this?

G: Weird place to be buried.

B: Actually we'll kill two birds with one stone. Peter, head to the cockpit, raid the tomb and while you're there see if you can access the ships Internal Navigational Data. If we get that we can figure out where it came from. Find the unmapped wormhole.

P: Can do.

S: Turn off your radio now Peter, conserve its battery. Turn it back on when you get to the cockpit.

P: Sure thing.

Cut to: Cockpit

J: Ha, that's funny.

G: What is?

J: Well, I was just doing a little more research on the Jerimons. Alastor is the Patriarch of the family apparently. Started the whole business. He died of natural causes a year before the LightCorden. It was meant to go to the eldest son, but he was the one accused of being a crazy serial killer. So they gave it to the second eldest.

G: And what's funny?

J: His name, it's-

[Computer alarm]

G: Jilly?!

J: Oh my god, the defenses...they're turning on!

B: Shit! The engine's offline!

RR: Peter! Get him out of there!

G: No time. Jill hit boosters. Sonya, we need shielding, those are Embron Lasers!

S: Engaging shields!

J: The turrets are trailing us!

The ship comes under fire

G: Pull us away Jilly!

J: The boosters are going as fast as they can!

S: The shields are at 50%!

G: Draw power from the Core!

B: But we'll lose Lightspeed!

G: Doesn't matter if we're dead!

S: Shields at 10%

J: Drawing from core!

S: Shield drain slowing...7%...5%...3%

G: Jilly!

J: Nearly there...

S: 1% Oh fuck!

J: We're out of range!

S: Shields down!

[Everybody breathless]

G: Anybody else relieve themselves in their trousers? Just me?

S: That was-

RR: Awesome!

S: Terrifying.

J: Lads...what about Peter?

G: What about Peter, what about us? Jilly how are our power levels?

J: 31% booster....2% Anti-Matter fuel.

B: Jesus, the shields drained our whole supply.

G: How much Light do we have?

J: Gino, Peter-

G: Forget about Peter for a fuckin' second and tell me how much fucking light we have left.

J: Gino-

G: Do you have hearing problems Jilly? Will I get someone who doesn't?

J: [Computer beep] For Max distance output, we can do .2 Light for 10 minutes...just far enough for you to go to the Gypsy and get a new Navigational Officer... Captain.

RR: Guys stop fighting.

G: Brilliant. I'll make sure to hire one that doesn't put gettin' her feckin' bit above the safety and security of her crew.

J: And I'll make sure when I get a new job to specify that I don't want to work for a piece of shit, who can't even try and kill himself without dragging his whole family in to watch him fail at it.

G: Speak for yourself! Oh, yeah I brought that up. Would the whole class like to know how or rather where I found Jilly here the day I bought our ship!

B: Gino, don't.

J: Okay bro, then maybe after you finish telling everyone that story, I can enlighten the room on how your drunken mess is the reason mam and dad are dead!

G: Don't you dare!

B: [Very angry] Enough! Both of you! Shut up! Look at you, look at what you're doing! To us, to yourselves! One of our own is trapped in that tomb, and you're too busy arguing over past bullshit to see the situation we are in. [calmer] We have enough fuel to reach the Winded Gypsy, and enough booster to keep up with the Mausoleum for the next few hours. Once Peter reaches the cockpit, he can turn off the turrets. There, simple. Now apologize to one another right now.

[sighs]

G: I'm sorry Jilly. I'm just stressed. This is all my fault and I'm just taking it out on you. I'm sorry for bringing up all that shit.

J: I'm sorry too. I was focusing on the wrong thing.

RR: Nice fatherly talk there Brian.

S: Yeah, well done Bernard. And you're right, the situation isn't completely fecked. As long as nothing else unexpected happens.

Cut to: Peter approaching the Cockpit, his footsteps echoing through the empty hallways. Peter is rehearsing his speech to Jilly.

P: Umm, Jilly...Jill...Gillian...do you...ah, would you do me the honour...do you like boats? Ah, stupid. That's stupid.

[walks in silence]

P: This must be it.

[sits in chair]

P: Boy I'm hungry. I could look up the manifest...or, I could eat my lunch.

Fancy Hat Peter: Eat your lunch Peter, you deserve it!

P: Fancy hat Peter? Is that you? How you doin'?

FHP: I'm doin' good Peter. I got a new hat.

P: Ooh fancy.

FHP: I know.

[opens bag]

P: Ooh tea.

[pours into cup]

P: Fancy Hat Peter, I got a doozy of a question for you.

FHP: Shoot Peter.

P: There's this girl-

FHP: Jilly.

P: Yeah! How'd you know?

FHP: Because I'm you.

P: Oh yeah. Well, I really wanna ask her out, but I don't know how. You're a fancy guy with a fancy hat...how do you do it?

FHP: Just be yourself man. She already likes you, so just be direct.

[Sips tea]

P: Thanks Fancy Hat Peter, you always know what to say.

[Opens tinfoil]

P: What the heck is this? It's like a...square bun covered in...[spits] Oh, flour...it's all over me! What's this inside of it? Pink meat?

[footsteps approach]

P: Hey, Fancy Hat Peter...get a load of this-

[Whack]

Cockpit

S: [Communicator clicks] Peter...Peter! He's been off radio for too long now. Somethings wrong.

G: Feck sake, give me that. [click] Peter! I'm burning all of your paintings. Peter! Come in Peter!

Cut to: Mausoleum. Peter is chained to the handle of a Coffin in one of the Burial Vaults, a figure stands before him. Dishelved, manic...holding the radio.

G: [Through radio] Peter! You eejit answer the feckin' [click]

Alastor Jerimon Jr: Your friends seem eager to reunite. That's good.

P: Ah, what the heck? Why am I naked? Why are you wearin' my spacesuit? Fancy Hat Peter? [gasp] Have you gone rogue?

AJ: Relax. This will all be over soon.

P: [Pulls chain] Why am I chained up to this coffin? Where are we?

AJ: We are where it all began. The burial tomb of my late, great Father. You are chained to his final resting place. Fitting, that he may aid in my escape, when he is was the reason for my imprisonment.

P: Your father?

AJ: I take it his grave is the reason you're here yes? You wished to rob from the tomb of King Solomon. Unfortunately for you, traps laid out before you. Ones which you failed to escape. You asked for the manifest, and failed to specify which Alastor you sought.

P: I asked for the location of Alastor Jerimon.

AJ: The computer, being of a logical sort brought you to the living breathing Alastor Jerimon. Well of coarse, why would it bring you to the dead one, unless you wished it a nefarious purpose?

P: And you are?

AJ: [sighs] I'm...I'm being very obvious about who I am.

P: Uh-huh...and you are?

AJ: [dramatic] I am Alastor Jerimon Jr.! True heir to the Jerimon Dynasty!

P: Oh, neat-o! And you are?

AJ: I, I just said it?

P: Oh, sorry. I just got bonked on the head so, I'm kinda fuzzy right now. Wait, who are you?

AJ: [sighs] Ten years in Cryostasis and you're the first person I wake up to.

P: You were in Cryostasis?

AJ: Yes! Ten Years! [sighs] We decided to pay one last visit before we sold the Mausoleum. The graves were to be exhumed the next day and cremated so...Carrington insisted we pay our respects. That Apollitious Dolt, thought he was the presiding judge on every decision in our house just because Daddy made him heir. I was the oldest! The smartest! The best looking! And you make him CEO! Just because I skinned a few people and turned their leather into living Ballerina Statues!

P: Oh what?!

AJ: I was going to come into this vault, and tell you how much I hated you. How much I wished it were me that killed you, and not that stroke. But, no...we had to get attacked by Lyca Pirates. The Lasers took them out,but not before they destroyed our thrusters, and our escape ship. Then we fell into that Wormhole. Well what else could I do? We were years away from rescue, with only one Cryo-Pod. I was heir apparent. I was most important.

P: What did you do?

AJ: Isn't it obvious? I killed them. All of them. I didn't have my Flaying blade with me at the time so, I used Carrington's Morosian Blaster. An uncouth method but, the only option. I shot them all, including the Caretaker as he sat at the computer. I programmed in that little questionairre so, when scavengers did eventually find the vessel...I could assess their intent and...their transport. I then took my rightful place as head and... only, Jerimon.

P: What are you gonna do with me?

AJ: I'm going to kill you. Then I'm going to escape this Tomb, board your vessel masquerading as you, kill your friends and take the ship.

P: My friends know I'm in trouble.

AJ: I'm afraid there's not much they can do. Once you turned on the computer, I awoke. And activated the defense controls. The Embron Lasers will keep your friends at bay. I'll use the Solar Visor to block my face, and feign unconsciousness. They'll think something rather nasty happened to me as I escape in the cryo-pod from a fiery explosion. They'll let their guards down in a vein effort to save what they think is you, and then I'll attack, using the very weapon you brought here to protect you.

P: That's a cool story Buddy. But I got an even cooler story. See, when I was a kid, we used to visit Gammy Savage back in Canada during our Winter Holidays. Well, Gammy thought it would be hilarious that I ate dinner outside with our pet dog Beans. For the longest time I thought it was funny too, but recently I've come to discover that I'm more than likely adopted so, that was pretty mean, and cruel, and sad. Anyway, one day I'm chowing down on my grisel when, Beans snatches it and runs out onto a frozen lake. I was starving so I chased him. Well, wouldn't you know I slip and fall on the ice,snapping both my thumbs.

AJ: What does this incredibly depressing story have to do with this current situation?

P: Oh, I can dislocate both my thumbs. Which means I've just slipped outta these chains.

[Gunshot, body drop]

P: Oh Fredriko, I really can hide you anywhere! [Radio Click] Hey guys, you there?

G: Peter! Where in the almighty fuck were you?

P: Sorry Cap! I got kinda...held up.

J: Peter, what is happening over there? The defense turrets turned on, and the Core is starting to destabilize! You have to get out of there!

P: Oh, so that's what he meant by 'firey explosion.' He rigged the ship to blow!

J: Who did?

P: No time to explain fully but, short answer...I wasn't alone.

J: What like...ghosts?

P: No...Zombies.

G: What?!

P: Or...somethin'. I'm still pretty confused. That zombie bonked me pretty good.

S: You need to get to an escape pod Peter.

Peter walks over to the door of the Burial Vault and attempts to open it.

P: No can do Sonya. I'm locked in one of the Burial Vaults. The only guy that knows the code to get out is dead.

J: The Zombie?

P: Yeah.

G: There's no such thing!

B: Can you rework the door Peter?

S: Or blow through it?

P: I don't see a panel, and the door is lined Resilium. No way Maria's bustin' me out.

J: Lads, the core's going supercritical. Peter doesn't have much time.

B: We need to come up with a plan.

G: Peter, we'll come up with something. Conserve your Radio Battery and we'll be back in two seconds.

P: No problem Cap. I'll just list my favourite Yoghurt flavours while I wait.

Cut to: Cockpit

P: There's Vanilla [Click]

G: Okay, I am competely open to suggestions.

[Silence]

G: Great work lads.

RR: Bernard, you're normally good for these kinda moments. You got anything?

B: I honestly don't Becks. Peter's trapped in that room. He can't reach the cockpit so he can't turn off the turrets or stop the meltdown.

S: Speaking of...lads we should move back, the explosion could damage our ship.

J: No way Sonya! We're not abandoning him!

S: I know we're not Jilly, we just-

J: No! If we move we're admitting that we can't help Peter. I knew this mission was bad, I knew it and I still went along with it. We should never have tempted fate like this, we should never have asked Peter to do this.

G: I know Jilly. I'm so sorry.

J: Don't. Apologize. Gino! You apologize at a funeral! This isn't a funeral!

B: Jill-

J: No! Don't Jill me! We are not leaving Peter with the dead! I swear if he dies I'm-

G: Wait! Say that again!

J: Don't Jill me?

G: No! The other bit!

J: We're not leaving him to the dead?

G: Yes! That's it!

S: What is?

G: That's exactly what we do! We leave him with the dead!

J: Gino, how could you be so heartless?

G: No, [stammers] listen...I've read about these ships before...in Academy. The coffins are fitted with Ejection Thrusters! In the event of a Mausoleum going critical, it's programmed to jettison the bodies! [Grabs communicator] Peter!

P: Mint choc...huh? Gino?

G: Peter! Get into the casket!

P: But I ain't dead yet!

G: No! Listen, we can't stop the meltdown, but that's a good thing!

P: Boy Gino this a pretty cruel ulogy.

S: Gino, are you sure about this?

G: 99%. Peter, listen to me. These ships are programmed to eject precious cargo. The grave you're sitting on is the precious cargo.

RR: Guys, the computer is going crazy.

S: Oh my god, it's about to go.

B: We need to move back lads.

J: [sigh] Okay Bernard.

G: Peter, trust me. It's now or never.

P: Okay Gino. One problem though, I don't have my spacesuit on!

G: What? Why?

P: I blew a hole in the chestplate killin' that Zombie.

G: Okay firstly, it's not a zombie if you kill it with a heart shot-

RR: Could be a mummy!

G: Secondly, I'm pretty sure the caskets are airtight...we'll just need to find you before you suffocate!

P: Okay, I'm gettin' in.

RR: I hope this works.

G: It will. I'm 90% sure.

RR: You were 99% sure a minute ago.

P: Guys I'm inside the coffin.

RR: What's it like?

P: Comfy! And...a little stinky.

S: The core's rupturing.

P: Jilly, I may not get another chance to ask you this...will you go out with me?

J: Yes Peter...I'd love to.

[Static, Silence]

J: Peter...Peter?

S: [Ship quakes] The core's breached. The Mausoleum's gone.

[continuous static]

J: Peter!

RR: Did he escape?

G: Peter? Peter come in!

RR: Can we see him on the scanners?

S: There's too much debris.

J: We gave him Gino's tracker, where is it?

B: [solemn] It went offline as soon as the Mausoleum blew up.

J: Oh god...

RR: Wait, no. This isn't happening.

G: Shit.

J: Gino..I...

G: I was 70% sure this would work.

B: Wait, Jill come here.

J: What?

B: You're chief Nav...what does that look like to you?

J: [crying] I don't see anything.

B: Wipe away them feckin' tears and look at the monitor.

J: What are you...wait...

G: Lads for feck sake please share!

J: There's a faint radio signal coming from the other side of the debris field...but it's moving away fast.

G: That's gotta be him.

J: We need to move, the signal's fading.

B: We'll need to use the rest of our Anti-Matter fuel to catch up.

G: Make it happen Bernard.

Bernard runs down to the engine room

RR: What if it isn't him?

G: It has to be. Jill, plot a route through the field.

J: Already did it Gino.

G: Sonya raise deflector shielding.

S: Done.

Engine Spools

G: Becks...say the thing.

RR: Maximum light!

G: Do you still have the signal Jilly?

J: Just about...we're coming up on it!

S: Shields are taking a hit, loads of feckin' shrapnel.

G: Keep her up First Officer.

J: We're right on top of the casket. Should be visible on the viewport.

G: The wha?

J: Front window. Windshield Gino!

G: Just call it that!

RR: I see it! It's so spinny!

G: Engage Magna-Clamp.

S: Engaged! Bingo in 3...2....1.

[Bump]

[Engine spools down]

B: That's all the Anti-Matter fuel we've left lads.

J: Peter? Are you there? Is that you?

S: Please tell me we got it right.

G: I can't believe I actually want to hear that idiots voice.

P: Hey guys!

J: Peter!

RR: He's alive!

G + S: Thank fuck!

J: Bernie we got him!

B: Excellent!

J: We thought you were dead. What happened to your tracking beacon?

P: I left it in the spacesuit! Sorry!

G: Peter, we're going to transfer you to the Cargo Bay. Are you okay?

P: Yeah, although...When you open the casket I think the corpse may have pee'd himself so...don't say anything to embarass him.

....

Cargo Bay: Entire crew standing around the Casket of Alastor Jerimon. Bernard opens the casket.

G: Wahey! Oh my god that's...so much pee.

P: Yeah uh...[Peter gets out] Alastor got pretty scared.

G: Wait, that's the main man himself?

P: Yeah, I guess his son wanted make a dramatic statement...which, as an artist I respect.

S: His son?

P: Yeah, it's a pretty crazy story.

J: We can't wait to hear it Peter,c'mon let's go get some tea.

P: Sure, it's pretty long though.

B: Oh don't worry. We've used up all our Anti-Matter fuel so, we're boosting to the Winded Gypsy.

J: It's going to take about 4 days.

S: Oh god.

G: That's...so much Ice Soup for dinner.

RR: Actually I think we're out of water too.

J: That's okay, I think there's a Water recycler in the spare room somewhere.

S: Lovely. We've finally resorted to drinking our own pee.

RR: Could we all stop talking about Pee? It's gross.

P: It's not that bad Becks...it's just water, salt, urea...kidney excretions if you're fancy.

J: Why did you wink at me when you said that Peter?

G: Right, I suppose we better leave off Mr. Jerimon here [moves lid] Wait...what's this?

S: Gino, what did you find?

J: Are you crying?

P: Aww buddy, I missed you too.

G: Look! [holds watch]

S: Is that-

G: A solid gold watch? Yes! Yes it is!

B: So this Grave Robbing wasn't fruitless after all.

G: Right lads...to the canteen. Tea is on me!

RR: Isn't it always free?

G: No, it's deducted from your wage.

S: What?!

[The crew walk away, fading conversation]

J: Did you enjoy your lunch Peter?

P: I didn't get a chance to eat it. What the heck was it anyway?

J: A luncheon Blaa.

P: A what?

J: Blaa.

P: Why are you saying Blaa?

J: No that's what it's called.

P: Blaa.

J: That's it.

RR: You guys are weird man.

[Outro]

Created by Paul Walsh

Cast:

Kieran Walsh as Gino Whelan

Caoimhe Walsh as Sonya Halley

Amy Jackman as Jilly Whelan

Steven Stubbs as Bernard Dooley

Amy Rothwell as RedBekka Roy

Paul Walsh as Peter Savage

with

Cai Gwilym Pritchard as Mausoleum Computer

Amy Orr as Penny Whistle

and

Jack Bishop as Alastor Jerimon

Attribution:

CosmicD- Engine_Hum_New.wav

Inspectorj- Door, Front, Opening.wav

ddunkley- footsteps on metal.wav

Qubodup- Sci fi Laboratory Ambience

MazDemianAGL- Body_Impact_wood.aiff

stintx- Pistol-Reload.wav

Iwipolppenisse- Explosion

Kwahmah_02- Flask Open Close.wav

Music:

Intro- Augmentations by Kai Engel

Outro- Comeback Kid by Deano Waco

Inspector When Theme - Halix Intro by Zagi2

&

Way Out Of Hades by Lobo Loco

Find us on:

Patreon

https://www.patreon.com/TheGreenHorizon

Twitter

https://twitter.com/greenhorizonpod

Instagram

https://www.instagram.com/the.green.horizon/

Podchaser

om/podcasts/the-green-horizon-: 119348

Thanks for listening!